This has always been my favorite quote:
“Write something worth reading or do something worth writing”.
That is my excuse for not writing for a month. January, should be a good start for this year but unfortunately, I need time to begin.
Today, I decide to write again although at one point in January I tell myself to stop writing. I thought I won’t be able to write something worth reading anymore. I thought I should forget my dream to publish a book. I thought I have nothing else to offer any longer. I’ve lost my strength.
Today, I decide to wake up. January was my time to recover. Recover from fear, regret, weakness, and failure. There are so many things I have done in my life that I thought I couldn’t stand any more. I almost lost my self.
In the month of january I decide to stop and look back. I decide to understand what I want in life. The moment I realize that I will need to leave this country and return to my own, I felt so heavy to accept. I could not explain anything to anyone. But I was having hard time accepting that this will be my last year as international undergraduate student.
I ask myself: am I afraid to leave or to return?
It was easy for me to decide, because I always remind myself that one day, I will need to leave. I understand the fact that life is about leaving. We will need to move on, people will leave us, we will leave places and we will one day leave the world. I know that by heart. But why am I so sad, understanding that I need to leave and return home?
First, I need to apologize my friends around me. I confused you a lot. I did not intend to turn you down. I did not intend to turn you off my life. I love you as much. But I need time to understand why. I have so many secrets that I purposely not telling. I’m so sorry if you thought I didn’t trust you. I just don’t know how to tell.
One month I took to get up again, just to realize that I am going home. It wasn’t easy, when most people thought going home means liberation. I have my story and I have mistakenly putting it aside for so long. I fooled myself for all these years. I thought I was strong but unfortunately I wasn’t.
When facing things I hate, I was supposed to accept, not ignore.
When listening to thing I dislike, I was supposed to acknowledge, but I rejected
I live my life just like everybody else, trying to forget what is near. I ignore things that should be solved, just to live life ‘happily’
I did try to ask from help from everybody else. But people thought I am strong so I don’t need help. I thought I am strong sometimes so I don’t need to find a shoulder.
It took me a month intensively to sit down and think how to face the future, to tell myself to stop running from problems.
I decide to accept. Accept what I have in life without feeling pain. Because I know that it is not patience if there is limit and it is not sincere if there is still pain. I understand now that letting go is a lot harder than holding on. It takes too many with it.
I understand now in whatever problem we have, trusting Allah is the virtue. If we are feeling sad or displeased with what happen to us, it is just like we are not happy with what Allah has decided for us. The key is to let Allah rule my life. I should stop hoping for things that I don’t even know if they are good for me. Just trust Allah in whatever. stop thinking about how to solve it, It will solved and it is all good
I understand now that being strong doesn’t always mean you need to fight the battle. True strength is being adult enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head high.
I understand now that it isn’t too late. Time is not running late. My life is here and now. and the moment has arrived at which i am finally ready to change! I understand now that it does not matter how slow you go!
I understand now that, sometimes you just got to accept that some people can only be in your heart, not in your life!
I understand now that a friend is someone who helps you up when you are down, and if they can’t , they lie down beside you and listen. Thank you friend! Because sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care they’ll notice. If they don’t you know where you stand.
This one month had been a blast! although I was sad, but I am glad that I’ve notice things I didn't before. I definitely learned a lot. Problems surely have not solved but that way, i know I am still alive and with life, there are still chances!
The most precious one, I understand now and glad that life is a one way journey to paradise. if there is “return back home” to this world, I don’t think I would be able to continue the journey, because it doesn’t worth it.
God Bless!
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