iqra'

Remember, every single deed you have done will be written. Even the smallest one!

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Kita?

Kita mungkin perlu berbincang

Aku tak tahu kenapa, tapi kita makin tak mampu berkomunikasi.
Aku hairan, kita bercakap dalam bahasa yang sama, tapi susah nak faham.
Kenapa?
Aku hairan lihat riak muka engkau yang bercanggah dengan perkataan yang aku dengar dari bibir engkau.

Aku tak suka rumitkan keadaan,
Aku bukan tak nak cuba faham,
Tapi aku hampir putus asa cuba memahami,
Apa yang engkau nak sebenarnya?

Kita seperti tak sekufu lagi,
Aku cuba bercakap yang lembut tapi kau diamkan. 
Aku menanti jawapan tapi sepatah pun tak kedengaran.
Kau seolah lari daripada aku.
Aku tahu aku salah tapi kenapa engkau tak nak bagitahu apa salah aku?

Susahlah begini kalau kau betul nak teruskan.
Kadang aku rasa, mungkin kau memang dah tak perlukan aku.
Aku tak nak kau rasa kau perlukan aku pun, tapi entah,
Entah mengapa, aku cuma rindu engkau.
Kenapa, setiap kali kita cuba bincang sesuatu ynag serius, kita mula bertegang urat

Aku cuma tak nak sampai tahap
Sampai tahap yang kita hanya mampu bersembang benda tak berfaedah sahaja.
Aku tak mahu kita hanya mampu bergelak sahaja.
Aku percaya hidup bukan untuk itu,
Sebab itu, aku pilih untuk bercakap yang penting dengan engkau, tapi kau tak nak tunjuk kerjasama

Aku mungkin silap.
Aku mungking terlalu cepat menghukum,
Adakah aku salah.
Kalau aku salah, terus terang lah. Aku menanti.
Aku jujur rasa kita perlu berbincang. 

Bincang kenapa kita jadi macam ni?
Kita oerlu buat luahan hati ke hati macam dulu.
Tapi kau seolah tak berminat berkongsi
Kita kena saling faham 
Apa masalah kita.
Tapi kau tak mahu kongsi, sedang aku disini

Kau mungkin ada masalah. Mungkin masalah peribadi atau masalah hati
Kita kena cuba ubati
Sekurangnya cuba, sebab aku tak sanggup lagi
Belum sanggup lagi,
Untuk hilang kawan macam engkau yang dahulu.

Dear my future,

I want to get married but...

I fear my life after marriage. I have personal experience that taught me a lot. I don't want my children feel what i feel i don't want them to learn this the hard way.

My dear honey bunch, 

I promise to listen to you. I know kids at your age will need so much attention and love. I want to give that. I will not spend just money on you. I will be strict on money, i don't want to spoil you with luxury items. I want you to understand that money really can't buy you happiness. If i do work very hard for money, that may be because we are just not enough money to continue life. I swear, once i we got to the comfortable point, i won't spend my whole life for money and work. I want to spend my time with you. I need you and you need me.

I want you to be very comfortable talking to me. I am sick of seeing mothers nowadays judging their children without really understand what their kids had been through. When i put my trust on you, please do not ruin my trust. I need you to tell the truth. Sometimes, truth hurts but i will try to control my anger. Yes, i will be mad at you, but i won't hate you. Because i love you,

I will say sorry! Though as a mum, though i am wiser than you, i know i will make mistake. When i do, i will try to apologize. It will be hard for me, but i will try. 

I love you. Though you might think i dont love you, trust me, i do. I just might nit show you in a proper way, but trust me i do love you. Of course i love you. You are my light. I do appreciate your existance in my world. I thank Allah for your existance. I want you to feel special because you really are. Trust me, i can do what you want to. Sky is your only limit. Be confidence with your self because you actually can do it. Don't feel insecure. Yes you can! Trust me, i am your mum.

I will teach you about God. I want you to know Allah more than you know me. I want you to know why you live. You do have purpose for this life and life is just a test. Life is temporary. If had to go first, keep going! Don't cry over me, you need to continue your life, i want you to be pious, educated, healthy, intelligent, and successful. I want you to be best at knowing which is best for you. I want you to know that Allah is always by your side.

I want to teach you what it takes to be a human being. You need to know how to conduct your self. I want you to know whta the quran teaches regarding attitude and behavior. I am telling you to follow the quran, not the majority. Follow that is right, not what is normal. Think before you act or speak.

I want our prophet to be your inspiration, not those people who knows nothing about life to be your idol. I will get mad at you when you spemd too much time for entertainment, but trust me, this os for your own benefit. Most probably, i won't let you watch any movie you wanted, i want to know what kind of show are you watching. I just want to make sure it won't ruin your mind. Trust me, one day you will thank me for that, though now you don't understand why.

I will keep tract of your friends, i dont want to be bosy, but i just want to know with whom you are spending your time with. I Want you to have the best character. I will not let your friends to ruin my beloved, you are precious and you need to understand that. 

Yes, i am too ambitious to write these. I may or may not have you. But if i really do, this is my guide line, i want to love you and i want you to feel special living in this world. I want you to use your life very wisely. Because i love you, even before you're born. This is my dream and my intention. Hope i can do this if Allah allow me to. 

Allah knows best!

Can i just be me?

Bismillah...

Allah knows what is inside my heart. I am not the best person on earth. Sometimes, i do fall to the state that i hate myself so much. I get upset with my very own self. I am no more a strong girl.

But once i closed my eyes, think again of what i have been doing with my life. Yes, i did do something stupid, at the same time, i believe i did some of good things, insyaAllah.

I am a strong girl. I really am. Or atleast, i need to. Everyone have their own problems, some have more, some have less, some get hard ones, some get lighter ones. It is not fair to judge people just based on what we see. 

Let's just face it, i am not in their shoes. I am looking at my life from my own perspective, just one angle. The point here is, i should not focus on my life very much. Yes, i do have problems, but others have theirs too. Why should i give up when they all can still carry it?

I once got to the point where i lose hope in my own life. I feel very lonely that i really don't have someone to talk with, i mean, a human infront of me to listen to my stories. I miss my friends who are there by me when i need them. 

But now, i believe Allah wants me to be independent and stronger. I just never understand why Allah send me people who can not spend their time listening to my problems. Not that they are not listening to me, but they just not seem interested in listening to what's playing in my mind.

Hmmmpph, i suddenly remember that this feeling is not a new thing to me, i remember that once suffer this while i was younger. I need to pretend like everything is ok infront of everyone. I cannot be truthful to myself. I dare myself not to shed tears infront of anyone. As if tears is a sign of weakness. 

I Cry by myself but need to act like all is well infront of others. Even infront someone i am 'comfortable' with. At first, i thought it was necessary, but soon i realize, but why do i need to?

Why is this world full of hypocrisy? I mean, when i feel like crying, why can't i just cry, like i can laugh whenever i feel like laughing. 

I don't know since when did tears is a sign of weakness? Tears do not fall only when we are sad. I discover tears can fall even when we are touched, or thinking. Is it just me or what? I really am a person with emotion. No, i don't cry to get attention. Just like most people get very easy to laugh, i get very easy to drop my tears. 

But my question here is, why do i only allowed to cry silently in my room, while people can laugh very loudly in public. Yes, i get very easy to cry, even in public. Sometimes just by observing people I don't know, tears roll down from my eyes. I just love to think.

But people will think i am not happy with my life, i take things very seriously, emotional...

I just.. Please, this is who i am. Yes, i cry a lot. Not because i am weak, but because i prefer crying over laughing. I prefer reality over comedy. That is what life is from my view,



Saturday, March 14, 2015

Mati


Ya mati, satu benda yang aku masih belum boleh buang dari fikiran aku.

Biar lah aku sedih atau gembira, aku selalu risau tentang mati. 
Apalah keadaan saat aku mati nanti?

Aku bukan lah seorang insan yang baik. Allah tahu. Kadang-kadang aku risau sangat kalau Allah tarik nyawa aku saat aku tak sedia. Aku takut.

Mati adalah motivasi yang terbaik. Sungguh, makin ramai yang nampak aku sebagai seorang yang tegas, ye aku tegas dalam pendirian ku. Ye, aku cuba.

Tapi sayang. Hidup ni tak mudah macam aku bayangkan. Kononnya, aku dah azam dengan diri aku, supaya hidup sebagaimana aku mahu mati. Buatlah apa yang aku fikir baik untuk aku dan agamaku. 

Aku silap kerana aku fikir itu mudah. Betullah kata orang, bila kita mula azam untuk guna hidup kita untuk Allah, hidup sebenarnya akan makin mencabar. 

Niat murni bukan senang nak jaga. Aku boleh cuba kuatkan azam untuk berbakti, tapi melaksakannya bukan mudah. Tak semua orang faham perjuangan kita. Tak semua orang boleh terima cara kita. Kadang-kadang, perjuangan perlukan pengorbanan yang amat besar sampai kita sanggup fikir balik untuk berkorban.

Aku cuba buat baik sebaik mungkin, tapi cara aku agak lain. Orang keliling belum faham, tapi aku tak mampu nak jelaskan. Aku rasa, tak perlulah aku jelaskan hanya untuk perhatian. Biar Allah sahaja yang tahu. Keputusan ini datang dengan harga, sakit yang dirasa kadang-kadang rasa tak tertanggung,bukan sahaja orang tak hargai pengorbanan kita, bahkan orang pandang negatif apa yang kita lakukan.

Tak pe, Allah faham. Sekali lagi, matilah yang mengingatkan aku agar lepaskan apa yang dikata orang. Biar mereka kata sebab satu hari nanti, aku akan mati juga. Mulut mereka akan tutup juga. Biarlah hidup ni susah, biarlah urusan aku tak diterima ramai, aku punya arah. Harap Allah terima.

Hidup aku mungkin dilihat bosan, tapi bagi aku tidak. Bagi aku, bosan itu maksudnya, melakukan sesuatu yang tak penting. Aku tak nak rasa rugi tak tonton itu, aku tak nak rasa rugi tak buat itu, aku cuma mahu aku buat apa yang perlu.

Sekali lagi, tak mudah. Orang tak faham. Mata bengkak pun, biarlah Allah je yang tahu.
Allah tahu sayang, Allah tahu. Dan kalau Allah mahu, satu hari, merek juga akan tahu. 
Yang penting sekarang ini, jangan harapkan dapat dilihat hasil itu. Buatlah bahagian aku, yang lain, biar Allah yang tentukan.

Sebab tu hidup kena kuat. Hidup kena yakin. Apa pun kita buat, jangan harapkan pujian, sebab yang banyak menunggu itu mungkin cacian. Aku sengaja ingatkan diri agar tetap kuat. Ye, iman itu sifatnya naik turun, bila turun naikkan lah, Supaya aku tak mati disaat iman tengah turun. 

Amiin.