Too independent

Teach me how to be independent, but be there when I need help and assistance.

I think I have figured out another thing, being independent and self-sufficient is nice, but being too independent is a problem. 

Most of my friends describe me as an independent girl. Well, I thought they were just being nice. At one point when they keep repeating the same point, I thought I should think of what they just said. I am hard to reach. People want to help me and hope to be a support but I never let. People want to know how they can help but I never explain what the real problem was. 

Maybe because I think my problems are mine. I created it and I must be responsible for solving it myself. Even when it is not my fault, I tend to find my fault to make sure I can fix. When I can't find what goes wrong, I started to hate my own self. Sometimes, I do need someone to convince me that when something goes wrong it doesn't always mean we have made a mistake. Maybe it just happens with no one to blame.

I always thought I am not independent enough. I hate being a burden. I hate sharing my issues with anyone because I thought, as long as I have God, I can be strong by myself. Unfortunately, once I wake up from my long sleep. I realize that I have become too independent.

I have been standing alone for so long. A long time ago, when I needed help, I was tested with no one by my side. I wanted to beg for hugs and motivational words, I can only dream. I ended up look into a mirror and tell myself I can do this all by myself. When I cry, I hope for anyone to tell me I a strong and things will get better but I ought to whisper to my own ears. When I hope for a shoulder to lean on, I lay on the bed and scream into the pillow. And when I feel hopeless, I cry on the prayer mat, begging Him for mercy.

Roads are stony enough. And today I have disappointed many. I learned that people aren't always going to be there for you, you just gotta learn to handle thing on your own.  Well, I believe most people will agree with me. 

Some said I am intimidating for being strong and independent. Some said I just don't need a help. And yes, that might be true. but if I could scream loud, I want to tell the whole world that although I don't need help, I WANT help. However, who exactly said that I don't need help? haha not to be too emotional, but I hate being assumed. I love living with others and I love interdependency. But what breaks my heart is when people think I can do everything myself and I don't need them.

I need them, I need people around me but with one condition; do not teach me how to live without you. I see myself a girl with ambitions. I live with purpose, I have things to achieve. In order to achieve them, I don't want to walk alone, but after a while, if I see no one seems wants to walk with me, I will leave them, not my ambitions. I am loving and caring but just don't let me learn to live without you because I can be out of control. Once I feel like I am the only one reaching out, I am so sorry, I have to let you go. 

I know that I need to change that. I can't continue being too independent. I really don't want to feel like I don't need anyone in my life. But as life goes, this is who I am. My childhood, my past years and my present forced me to be one. 

I have no choice. No sorry.

Lose Heart

While we may lose heart, we never have to lose hope.

 Maybe this is what I should have learned long time ago. One thing I realize about myself. I now understand that the reason why I am who I am today is because I was a fighter. Now I understand why being a fighter is not always the best decision. 

You might think that what I mean about who I am today refers to strong, independent and tough. Unfortunately, that is not what I meant. Believe it or not, sometimes, we should choose the battle to fight and think if it is worth fighting for. You don't always have to be a winner.  You don't always have to be the fighter.

There are some wars where you know you just have to walk away. You know you have no power to win. Plus, you know there are not convincing reason for you to even try. 

Think about opening a business. You will cancel out those business ideas which not concern you. You don't have to force yourself to get involve in every field just to be successful. Know your strength and your purpose then you will succeed in selected field. Sometimes, you will get into a state of confusion. Whether or not you should jump in that business. Well, there is no sin in trying. But then, you get enough feeling to decide you that should stop doing, just forget that business and focus on other businesses. The key is, know when you step out. If it is no longer profiting, just back-up or it will hurt you in the future.

A pretty long example of life. We have issues in life, some of them really burden us and we want to make sure we solve them. We just wanna keep standing and keep fighting because we hate losing and we are a strong believer of' "everything can be solved". But one important thing we ignored: maybe it will be solved if stop fighting and the fact that maybe it is not just to solve them.

Today I learned that there is nothing wrong with lose heart. I thought losing heart and losing hope is the same. While we may lose heart, we never have to lose hope or even faith. I know now that letting ourselves stop fighting is not a sin. If you don't want to fight, the don't. When you had done everything you could but other people just don't care to bother to fix the relationship, maybe the relationship is no longer even exist. When you have tried your very best to show your love but they don't care, just back up. It's not your business anymore.

I am losing heart and I think that is what I should embrace long time ago. Why waste your energy on that when you know it will keep hurting. Just concentrate on the things that really matter. 

Care too little, you will lose them.
Care too much, you will get hurt.

Try to find that perfect balance. Go get a life. You are not an angel. You have your own heart, there is only one piece of it. Take a good care of it before try to be the best caretaker for anyone else. 

Chin up and walk away. You don't have to be sorry for your decision. As long as you are not religiously responsible, you have the right to choose your path. Waste not your energy on fighting the wrong battle. 

Allah gives the hardest battle to His strongest soldier. Yes, you have to fight, even if it is hard, but along the way, never lose yourself, never lose faith. You may lose heart with someone, but never with God.
Ask Him for strength and courage and also His guidance in picking battles.

the BIG word called PROMISE

Just about one more week and I will leave, insyaAllah

I always wanted to write about this but I keep forgetting.

If I have the power to request everyone to read my blog, and could only pick one post for them to read, I would choose this particular post.

PROMISE has become another word where people are ignoring its meaning. I know, as a 23 years old, I am not the wisest person on earth but I am smart enough to be disappointed with how people treat the word as a real thing.

Promises mean everything, but after they are broken, sorry means nothing. I am the person who takes promises very seriously because I believe it should. I must admit, I can't stop myself from judging someone based on the way he or she promises and whether of not he tries his best to fulfill.

Well is it fair for me to just "Oh, I'm sorry I thought you meant what you promised, silly me.", when the fact is, EVERYONE ON EARTH TODAY SHOULD REFLECT ON THIS MATTER!

To me, promises are worse than lies. Cause you make them hope, hope for something that you are not sure you can give. Although I am aware that not everything that we hope and we plan will go as we wish it to be. I am not cruel to punish someone who can't keep their promise when they had tried their best but something came up.

And yes, make promises and say insyaAllah. BUT, do not use that word as an excuse, please!

It's just, don't make promises when you don't intend to keep and dot promise when you're happy. Don't promise reply when you are angry and don't decide when you are sad.

You know what? Three things you should never break; PROMISES, TRUST and SOMEONE'S HEART.

It makes my heart sick when I remember all the good words and the broken promises.

Even in Islam, Promise is a big deal. Remember the signs of a hypocrite?
1) whenever he speaks, he lies
2) whenever he promises, he breaks his promise
3? whenever he is trusted, he betrays the trust

Oh, I hate to sound like I am the best person to voice this out because I know there are mistakes here and there on my behalf. And that is why I think this should be rethink. Everyone should take promises seriously. I am not writing this based on one event that happened in my life and I want to make sure that person read this. I am writing this because there are multiple events of my own and of others which break hearts.

If words can't be trusted, how else should we get to know someone? Let alone for them to be trusted to take care of our heart.

I'm just tired of empty promises.

Soulmate

Soulmates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but the are perfect for you.

A few more days before I leave. I must say this is a very hard one. Four years of memories, important memories.

Four years of retreat. I run from problems and hoping to find love and strength. Getting a degree is a bonus because the top reason why I finally agree to study abroad was because I want to find myself and get a new fresh air. Years gone had been too difficult for me. Indeed God had plan things beautifully.

Years here were amazing. I am glad that I was chosen to be where I am today. God had done His part. I get it. I sense it. He is just. If I could turn back time, I would choose the same exact path. Of course, there were rocks and stones along the road. There are sadness and disappointment that had spiced up my life here but I must admit, all these couldn't be any better.

There are something about God that we all must agree; He is Wise.

We question almost every decision He made. Without understanding why, we blame Him for every tear. Sometimes, I hate myself for not trusting Him as Lord and having doubts in mind.

I was here to find someone who could stand by me when I need them and tell me that I have God and have no reason to quit. I want to have a soulmate too. Then I realize that having a soulmate is not always about love. You can find your soulmate in a friendship too.

Honestly friend, when I first met you I honestly had no idea that you would be so important to me. There are ups and downs and I always find you around me. I appreciate your presence, your words, and your touch.

I love you, friend. I just can't stay mad at for too long, because you have too many things to talk about. Like some said, "A true friend is one who treats you like family should". Thank you, friend, for everything.

"Oh how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard "-Winnie the Pooh

Alhamdulillah

Apa plan?

Lately, banyak dapat notification jemputan ke majlis perkahwinan kawan dan keluarga, banyaknya yang sebayalah. takpun setahun atau dua lebih tua. Jadi, sebagai pengangur yang dah tak ke kelas dan tidak juga bekerja ni, ramailah yang tanya, ape plan balik Malaysia, tak nak kahwin ke?

haha..

bukan tak nak, nak tu sudah pasti, tapi kalau calonnya belum ada, manakan sah perkahwinannya..

Jadi kenapa tak cari calon? hah, terkedu nak jawab. Memang tak tahulah nak jawab macammana. dan disebabkan itulah saya menulis malam2 gelap2 ni.

Sebab, nak fikir macammana nak jawab soalan tu, nak faham kenapa aku tak cari.

Ada housemate pernah cakap," aku nak kahwin, tapi macam mana nak cari?, lelaki melayu pun berapa orang je kat sini, tu pun macam tak de harapan". mungkin itulah sebabnya. study luar negara, tambah pulak duduk Uni yang memang takde melayu, susah jugaklah nak fikir pasal kahwin, banyak fokus benda2 lain je. 

Dan bila dah grad, baru lah nak terhegeh-hegeh nak pikir. Ok over. takdelah baru nak fikir. Tengah tahun haritu, ade lah seorang yang ajak kahwin, tapi mungkin waktu tu betul-betul tak sesuai. Terkejut kot, dan tak tahu nak react macam mana, maka perlukan masa untuk beri jawapan. Tapi mungkin belum jodoh, taktahu lah apa akhirnya. 

Mungkin masalah aku ialah aku amik masa lama sangat untuk berfikir. Aku tak salahkan sesiapa dalam soal ni sebab kalau bukan jodoh dan bukan masanya, maka tak jadilah.

Tapi banyak juga aku belajar dari pengalaman itu, walaupun aku terkilan sebab baru nak amik masa fikir, benda lain pulak yang jadi. Alhamdulillah sejak tu memang aku belajar yang aku kena ada matlamat perkahwinan. Memanglah orang kata jangan memilih sangat. tapi buat masa ni, aku rasa aku perlu tegas.

Lagipun, bagus jugak aku tak terburu-buru buat keputusan. Sekurang-kurang nya, aku dah ada list apa yang aku perlu perbaiki dalam diri aku. Aku rasa aku lebih matang dalam soal ni. Aku sedar yang perkahwinan itu satu alam yang sangat serius dan satu alam yang boleh menentukan sama ada aku ke syurga atau sebaliknya.

Aku selalu sedar yang kalau aku kahwin, aku bukan nak cari lelaki yang dan cukup-lengkap semuanya. Sebab aku pun tahu aku tak sempurna. Yang paling penting aku kena selalu beringat yang aku tak boleh mudah puas dengan diri sendiri. Jangan pernah perasan diri ni baik. Tapi tulah, dulu just bercita-cita nak jadi isteri yang baik, tapi bila dah jadi macam ni, baru lah nak figure out isteri yang baik tu seperti apa.. haha thanks kepada beberapa cerita2 melayu yang banyak mengajar aku isteri yang macam mana aku nak jadi. 

Dahlah, jodoh pertemuan itu semua ditangan tuhan da semuanya dah tertulis. Aku masih belum pasti macammana nak cari jodoh sebab ramai kata kena banyak bergaul. tapi aku ni terlampau pemalu. jadi rasanya, belumlah sampai masanya untuk bergaul dengan lelaki. Aku masih belum terima nak berbual kosong atau lepak-lepak dengan lelaki. 

InsyaAllah, aku yakin, ade cara dan ada jalan untuk semua ni. yang paling penting, aku harap aku tak tergugat dengan semua jemputan perkahwinan tu, terutama bila aku balik Malaysia nanti. Aku nak kahwin sebab aku nak kahwin, bukan sebab orang sekeliling ramai yang kahwin. Aku harap niat aku untuk bernikah akan sentiasa murni dan ikhlas.

Aku doakan semua yang sedang mencari jodoh, dikurniakan pasangan yang quratan a'yun, penyejuk mata dan hati. Cepat atau lambat bukanlah soal yang utama. Apa yang lebih penting ialah supaya rumahtangga kekal bahagia dan sentiasa mencari keredhaan Allah.

So plannya,  balik jaga mak ayah, adik abang, cari kerja, sambil cari jodoh :P

Blessed Differently

Many of us complain about how we didn't get this and that. Many question why this happen to us. Many doubt that this should be the way.

Unfortunately, we are living in the age of comparison. Although people are stressing enough to be yourself and live your life uniquely, we still compare ourselves with other. As much as we want to be ourselves, we still get frustrated when good things happen to other. yes, when good things happen to others. 

How disappointing. Aren't we should all be happy on the laughter of the people around us? Yet we smile when we hear that they are struggling. 

some have a very good relationship with their family,

some have the best friend ever, 

some have the best state of health,

some have the best characters,

some have good financial stability,

some get good results in exams,

some get the best husband/wife,

some get excellent jobs,

some blessed with children...

Well, we all have struggled of our own. you know exactly why kind of struggle you are or you just have been through. And if you are grateful enough, you must be aware, which part of your life is a pure blessing from God. you know people around you are struggling with but you know for the fact that you are getting with effortlessly. 

If you think your life is unfair, I suggest you to get to know people to a deeper level. find someone in particular that you feel like he or she is living the best life, that you once which you are at his or her shoes. go to that person, and ask him if he would trade shoes. Ask him why on earth that he still feels like there is a better life?

Everyone wish their life would be better. but only some won't trade shoes. they do not have a perfect life. they are struggling themselves but they understand that life is fair. No one ever promised that there is such thing called a perfect life. They understand, although a poor is hoping for a wealthy family, the rich is hoping for a loving family. 

You got my point!

When you cry for something, never give up to achieve that something, but remember also, that you don't have to compare yourself. 

You know what you need and you don't have to look at others to search for what else that you want. Just look at them to remind yourself of what you already have.

That is called thankful.