Too independent

Teach me how to be independent, but be there when I need help and assistance.

I think I have figured out another thing, being independent and self-sufficient is nice, but being too independent is a problem. 

Most of my friends describe me as an independent girl. Well, I thought they were just being nice. At one point when they keep repeating the same point, I thought I should think of what they just said. I am hard to reach. People want to help me and hope to be a support but I never let. People want to know how they can help but I never explain what the real problem was. 

Maybe because I think my problems are mine. I created it and I must be responsible for solving it myself. Even when it is not my fault, I tend to find my fault to make sure I can fix. When I can't find what goes wrong, I started to hate my own self. Sometimes, I do need someone to convince me that when something goes wrong it doesn't always mean we have made a mistake. Maybe it just happens with no one to blame.

I always thought I am not independent enough. I hate being a burden. I hate sharing my issues with anyone because I thought, as long as I have God, I can be strong by myself. Unfortunately, once I wake up from my long sleep. I realize that I have become too independent.

I have been standing alone for so long. A long time ago, when I needed help, I was tested with no one by my side. I wanted to beg for hugs and motivational words, I can only dream. I ended up look into a mirror and tell myself I can do this all by myself. When I cry, I hope for anyone to tell me I a strong and things will get better but I ought to whisper to my own ears. When I hope for a shoulder to lean on, I lay on the bed and scream into the pillow. And when I feel hopeless, I cry on the prayer mat, begging Him for mercy.

Roads are stony enough. And today I have disappointed many. I learned that people aren't always going to be there for you, you just gotta learn to handle thing on your own.  Well, I believe most people will agree with me. 

Some said I am intimidating for being strong and independent. Some said I just don't need a help. And yes, that might be true. but if I could scream loud, I want to tell the whole world that although I don't need help, I WANT help. However, who exactly said that I don't need help? haha not to be too emotional, but I hate being assumed. I love living with others and I love interdependency. But what breaks my heart is when people think I can do everything myself and I don't need them.

I need them, I need people around me but with one condition; do not teach me how to live without you. I see myself a girl with ambitions. I live with purpose, I have things to achieve. In order to achieve them, I don't want to walk alone, but after a while, if I see no one seems wants to walk with me, I will leave them, not my ambitions. I am loving and caring but just don't let me learn to live without you because I can be out of control. Once I feel like I am the only one reaching out, I am so sorry, I have to let you go. 

I know that I need to change that. I can't continue being too independent. I really don't want to feel like I don't need anyone in my life. But as life goes, this is who I am. My childhood, my past years and my present forced me to be one. 

I have no choice. No sorry.