Strong and learning

I want you to know, that when I cry, it is not because I am sad and I want to run away. I cry because when I am quiet, I was talking to myself and with your presence, I sometimes don’t know how to speak. Things are in my head but I can’t let them out.

I understand that you care about me that’s why you keep worrying about me and wonder I am ok.

I can’t say I am Ok because I know I am not. But I can’t tell you what’s going on because there are so many things I am trying to deal with.

Yes I am strong but every now and then I also need someone to take my hands and say everything will be okay.I must admit that I am too shy to tell you that I truly appreciate your presence. Honestly, whenever you come to me and spend your time to ask about my feelings, I thank God. I thank God because there is still someone who cares about me and my feeling. That’s one of the reasons why I cry.

I apologize if you feel like I don’t trust you and trying to distance myself from you. I love to be around you but I think I need my time and space to think about things. I want to tell you that you don’t have to worry when I am sitting alone. I am in a process to accept myself.

Yes, I am depressed. But please trust me that I am still a Muslim and I know my boundaries, or, at least, I am reminding my own self about the boundaries. There are ridiculous thoughts but I am trying my best to stay away from them.

When you ask me what did I do during the time I am alone with myself, I honestly can’t answer. I am trying to find myself back. I have told you about this before but you asked how. I can’t give you an exact answer for that.

But one thing I know, I am learning the real meaning of sincerity and gratefulness. It is a process. I am trying to change myself towards the good. I feel weak all this time but I know I should not. That is why I am trying to stand strong again. But that is not an easy thing.

A strong person isn’t the one who doesn’t cry. A strong person is the one who sheds tears for a moment , picks up her sword and fights again. That’s why I cry a lot, not to show my weakness but to express myself to my own self. I hate crying in front of others but when you are there, you see and I can’t do anything about it.

Most of the time, I cry out of gratefulness. Whenever something good happened to me, I smile to myself and I started to feel emotional about it. I don’t know how to explain this feeling when you ask, so I write.

If you realize, I have tear-off my 2016 goals. I am trying to set myself free from things I always wanted. Yes, it is not and the wall anymore. But don’t get me wrong. It is not there anymore, not because I feel hopeless, but I think it is time for me to give the car-key to God and let him drive me to anywhere best for me. I understand I just don’t know what’s best for my own self.

As much as I really want to have things of my dreams, I decide to stop hoping. It is about time for me to focus on what really matter. About how to survive in this world and how to die in a proper state. As much as I truly desire a happy life,  I don’t even know if I would live a long life. So, instead of searching for the love of my life, I would rather spend time with the one I know is waiting for me, God.

Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it. Life is very tricky and there is no such thing as good and bad experience. There are just the one which is accepted or rejected. I must accept things the way they are. I must be wise in deciding how I react. And that takes time and knowledge.

Albert Einstein once said: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep moving you need to keep moving.

Life must go on. It is tempting to stop existing, but that is not even an option for a rational human being, especially for Muslims. I have God. I have Allah. He is planning the best for me. If I stop here. I won’t get to see the surprise He has planned especially for myself.

Everything will be okay at the end. If its is not okay, it is not the end. In God I trust!

Mistakes

When I spent so much time figuring what’s wrong and what made me changed so much I came out with many different thoughts. And to me these are helpful

Some mistake I have made without I realize:

Set a time frame for things that I want. I know setting a target and a specific one is important but I figured out that it was that that mess my day up. Earlier this year, I have written down things I want to achieve, hopefully, to make my year a better year. But soon I realize that That wasn’t a good decision. For example, I want my struggle to end, but how do I control that? When you set an aim, you really want to figure out the plan of action. But the thing is, there is no plan of action for my aim, it was just beyond my control. Then I get depressed.

Second, power. You know when you are actually being a victim of someone and you have forgiven them for times. At one point, you thought that enough is enough. You get so mad having your feelings being treated that way and you thought it is time. Time to stop letting people disrespect you. That alone is necessary, but it is not when you hold that feeling of revenge and felt that you are better than them and worse if you thought you now have the excuse or power to punish them for their doings. The devil is playing with you. Whenever you thought about to take revenge, stop yourself and think again. Maybe they did that to you out of ignorance and unintentionally, but why must you pay back with arrogance and intend fully? Would you call that seeking justice? Verily, forgiving is nobler.

Next, when you feel so sad, depressed and anxious, and you don’t want to share it with people because you don’t want to be a burden. That can be a good intention. But as most people say, sharing is caring. Talk about it so they know what is it that you have been through. So they know why you act so strangely and maybe they can actually help. Just do not be that person thinking that you know everything and thought no one would understand you. Yes, they might not be walking in your shoes but at least, they could lend their shoulders to you if not lend their hands.

However, there are things about sharing your feelings. When in times of difficulties, you tend to talk just about your problem, but do not take them out of context. I mean, do not just explain the bad thing and disregards the good things ever happened to you. Because even if you are only thinking about the dark, you can not lie to yourself by just ignoring the fact that there is light, regardless how bright or how dim it is. It is there and stop speaking like God is soooooo unfair to you.