He and she

She was born when I was 8. She remembers nothing until she was 2 or 3. At the time, I was 10 or 11. When she was 4, she starts to know me as a sister. We were so close. She was too cute for me. I love her. But I need to leave. I happened to receive an offer to a boarding school. I started to learn a new life. As a high school student and as a person. I leave home to learn about life. I was happy with the offer. So happy that I am so glad that I get to leave home. It was just too much going on at home for a rebellious girl like me. I enjoyed my life with my friends without my family, far from home. I feel like I really changed a lot, in a good way. I know things that I might never knew if I stayed at home.

Five years flies, she was by then 9. Finally i get to spend my days with her, I thought. I finished high school. Just after two months with her, I got an offer to get into college. Unlike most people of my age who get to stay at home about 6 to 9 month before enter college, I was blessed to get out from home once again. I was so eager but I knew i will miss her. As a sister, i really want to know her and want her to be aware that someone has her back.

A year and a half later, it is time for me to go further. I flew to the United States. It wasn’t solely my choice. As usual, I enjoy my time learning and experiencing new stuff. I am having fun, but deep inside, I knew I lost something. Two years later, I went back home for visit, 3 months at home but only get to spend about 2 weeks with my sister. She has grown up. As I was busy with my own life, she grew prettier. She was just different. She grew into a different person. She is now tall. I feel like I wasn't even her sister. We were too far away. It takes time to learn about her again. But time kept moving. Two weeks was like 2 seconds. It just went by and she need to get back to her boarding school again. When I flew back to the United States, she wasn’t even with me.

I feel like I’ve lost her. She is supposed to have a sister to be by her side when days weren’t bright, and smile to her when she achieved something. But I wasn’t there. When I was at her age, I remember wishing having someone to lend me shoulder, and to lift me up. Life is so hard when we need to go through things alone. At the time, I was promising to my own self. I promise to be the best friend and the best companion to my sister when she needs to go through what i’ve been through.

But now she is where I was, and I am at somewhere else. Perhaps that’s because I didn’t say insyaAllah. I just feel very disappointed with my own self. Most people around me look at me as if I had achieved something big. They were all proud of me but here myself looking at where I am standing and think about where I should have been. I motivate my friends but not my sister. I helped my community but not my family. I make people smile and laugh but not her? Sorry.

Thank God she still look up at me and admire me a little bit too much. But still, I wish am doing what a great sister should be doing. I hope I still have time for that, because when I look back in my life, the physical distance between me and my sister had been further and further. Now I am 21 and she is 13. I hope and pray so I could graduate as early to get back to her and play my role as a good sister. She needs me, just like I need someone when I was at her age. I love her so much but things just get more and more harder. I hope I still have time. InsyaAllah. But I have no power to control. Who knows if after this, I will need to leave, again, even further? Who knows if I need to return to God and leave this temporary and short life? I am no one to question. If that gets real, I want her to know that I love her and I pray that Allah will protect her, because indeed He offers the best protection.

I trust you, Allah. You are the Best Planner. Thank you Allah, Thank you for keeping our bond still alive although you could break our relationship anytime you wish. Thank you Allah.

Zammilooni

A lot of emotional stress that people go through, some people figure out a way to handle it. They have a strong enough support system to keep going and keep moving forward. And some people, they feel like they don't have that outlet.

Terrell Owens

I personally feel like i do not have the outlet. I’ve been ungrateful throughout this past years. I know as a Muslim, I should not have the feeling of being hopeless. I have God. I have Allah to always be the place for me to recharge. But I don’t know is it just me or this happens to everyone else? I believe this really happens to everyone else as well. I’ve been trying hard enough to overcome this feeling. I do not have someone who I could depend on in helping me to keep moving in this life.

I always look back to the story of our beloved prophet Muhammad that everyone knows had been going through in life with so much difficulties and hardships. I always tell myself that if I think my life is unbearable, imagine a life as a  man who loses his parents during he was little, losses his grandpa when he was still in young age, live with his uncle, but need to work because their life is not very wealthy. Grew up and be a man with so many responsibilities than no one else ever had. cursed and hated by most of the people around him.

But, being ungrateful me, I always have this question in mind: why don’t I have a partner as Khadijah or a friend as Abu Bakr? hundred times i have this questions in mind, and hundred of times i answer it myself. Obviously because I am not any close to his nobility.

As many times as it may sound, I really need a exact answer to it. I am not at all blaming anyone near me that they are not a good friend or a good people in my life. I am just always curious, until when?

I really do wish that i could just tell everyone the truth about myself. About who I am exactly and what makes me, me. Why I behave a certain way, why I am highly sensitive? Why am I so selfish. I’ve been struggling with this since little and every time this happen, I could not take it any more. I am just too weak. I always wanted a support system so that I could keep standing while my knees are shaking.

Trust, that is the word. I do not trust people to be able to understand my situation. someone in my life actually know about this but thee did not fully understand what I actually always wanted. I need just some understanding. I am begging for someone to keep giving me the blanket to me while i am shaking. Zammilooni.

I kept running away in my life without realizing that the cut is getting deeper and bigger. this internal wound should be treated, but I don’t know how. At the end, before i know it, I actually hurt someone else.

Sorry. I am not as strong as how you see me. I know my problem. I just don’t know how to solve it. People are running away because of how selfish I am. I do not want to blame anyone. If I were them, I might do the same thing. why wasting time with someone who doesn't trust people and keeping on hurting you? Just let them go! Get a life. They have problem, let them solve.

But if only I could get someone to bare patient with me, and try understand me, I would appreciate that person for my whole life. I know I took too much time, and it is your call to walk away. Honestly, everything that happens between us, it is entirely because of me. I do not blame you and that’s why I get mad when you keep apologizing. It is my fault and let me punish my own self. sorry if you feel like i was ignoring you but, to be completely honest. I am fighting. I have no gut to talk about it. It is all about what happened to me before and how it beat me up everyday. I am afraid of my ownself, though no one could see this.

Everyday, I always be ready to die. I feel like this world would be so much better without people like me. When you see me trying to do my best to do good to people, I was just trying to make my life useful before I die. I am annoying, useless and frustrating. I’ll take that. It is just me trying to find myself back. I got too frustrated with my own life but I know I have no right to blame God for this, I am trying to remind myself,  PERHAPS I JUST DON’T SEE WHAT HE SEES.

I try to not give up and that requires strength and energy. I wish I have a strong support system. But God knows best. 

Stop worrying and just go for it!

Stress-free week?

So this week had been my craziest week ever. Many thing happened to me within this week and none of them actually interrupt my emotion. I wonder how this could happen. 

At the beginning of this week, i was so emotional during the first day of week. I cried like almost all day and until  i meet my best friend, Migraine. She comes to visit me to make sure I am okay and so I have something else to think. It was also a warning for me to stop crying and just relax.

So, the next day, after the dispute was resolved, and i suddenly turned into a different person! I laugh and smile at everything, i tease anyone i want. I was just happy. Even during a formal meeting, which before this i was so quiet and reserved, i became very childish and cheerful that i made many people surprised with who i was on that day. No, i didn't do anything stupid of course, but i do act differently. 

That was on the second day of the week, while i break the ice by laughing at someone who was very nervous to take the exam, yeah, i feel kinda sorry for that but that actually made me find the common ground between us. I look at people and observe everything someone does and silently laugh or smile at them :P i know that was very naughty to do. And show my excitement in the cutest way that shocked people out. Haha, i just had fun. 

On the third day, there was just too many things going on, and i was supposed to be very busy and tired but i was not. I have like 7 assignments due this day, an exam, and three events that i need to attend. I took them real easy and just go for it. I had fun, no stress at all. This is a legit statement. No stress! I actually went to the mood screening to see if i was stress or depression, but guess what, the person or psychologist who did the screening for me said i was one of the most stress-free person, based on the scoring, yay!

I did that with a friend which supposed to be my study partner for the exam that we are gonna take in next hour. But well, we went for the mood screening instead. Andddd, got some free stuffs with us. That was that. The same day, we took the test, i remember that i need to attend one more meeting in addition to the three events that i said i need to join earlier.  So, i just went, it was a club meeting, trying to plan for an event, a big event. But before i step in, there was only two person discussing about the plan. So, my attendance was appreciated, greatly. I wasn't hoping for even a thanks for being there. But yeah, i was glad that i get to at least help. That made my day. Then, we went for a information party (to take away free stuffs). Well, we always get what we intend for. We got what we needed though don't get what i really want :( i got too much pizza by the way!

Next, we went to the diversity awareness program. Thought i would be a lecture and a boring one. Instead, it was a program full of games and activities! We had fun! Lesson learned, just go for it. However, that was a challenging program for me because i got to speak and act just coz i'm the chosen one. Well, in my nervousness and redness of shyness, i do it! Yeah of course, i really took a lot of courage to speak 2 sentences: I'm smart . And: i wear glasses. Don't judge, what do you know a bout how i feel :P kidding, don't take it to heart. Since the program last longer that we expected it should be, we decided not to attend the next one. We were late any way!

Thursday, i just realize that my college ID and atm card was missing. But i just don't one it to spoil my mood for the day, i just ok, i lost my i id, let's make anew one, though i does cost some money. And that's why i decided not to worry about it. It already cost my id so, why do i need to let it cost my mood, ;) right? I got lucky for a few reasons. 

And the same day, i get to meet andy. I always wanted to meet him but now that i got the solid reason to do so. So, yeah.. Indeed he is full of energy and always makes me feels good. He is my lollipop and i am learning to be one.

Friday, long story short, i missed the bus to get home. I was ready very early and decided to take a walk around campus. The bus should come at 6.15, and i got back to the bus stop at 6.11. But the bust already leave. Instead on getting angry about that, i decided to get into a building and pull my iPad and write something. I have another hour before the next bust come. 

You want to know what i wrote. It was this. This post!

So, okay, got to go... Before i actually miss the another bus and write another post. The lesson is, Trust God! Indeed we have something we are planning in our mind but when he put us through another thing, just have faith, trust him that this must be better. 

In this case, you all get to read my latest post! Finally! I've been writing so many things before and never end up posting because i don't get to finish everything up.

So, Alhamdulillah i am grateful for everything! Trust God, and no worries :)

I'm so gonna catch my next bus!

Peace and blessing to you!