I personally feel like i do not have the outlet. I’ve been ungrateful throughout this past years. I know as a Muslim, I should not have the feeling of being hopeless. I have God. I have Allah to always be the place for me to recharge. But I don’t know is it just me or this happens to everyone else? I believe this really happens to everyone else as well. I’ve been trying hard enough to overcome this feeling. I do not have someone who I could depend on in helping me to keep moving in this life.
I always look back to the story of our beloved prophet Muhammad that everyone knows had been going through in life with so much difficulties and hardships. I always tell myself that if I think my life is unbearable, imagine a life as a man who loses his parents during he was little, losses his grandpa when he was still in young age, live with his uncle, but need to work because their life is not very wealthy. Grew up and be a man with so many responsibilities than no one else ever had. cursed and hated by most of the people around him.
But, being ungrateful me, I always have this question in mind: why don’t I have a partner as Khadijah or a friend as Abu Bakr? hundred times i have this questions in mind, and hundred of times i answer it myself. Obviously because I am not any close to his nobility.
As many times as it may sound, I really need a exact answer to it. I am not at all blaming anyone near me that they are not a good friend or a good people in my life. I am just always curious, until when?
I really do wish that i could just tell everyone the truth about myself. About who I am exactly and what makes me, me. Why I behave a certain way, why I am highly sensitive? Why am I so selfish. I’ve been struggling with this since little and every time this happen, I could not take it any more. I am just too weak. I always wanted a support system so that I could keep standing while my knees are shaking.
Trust, that is the word. I do not trust people to be able to understand my situation. someone in my life actually know about this but thee did not fully understand what I actually always wanted. I need just some understanding. I am begging for someone to keep giving me the blanket to me while i am shaking. Zammilooni.
I kept running away in my life without realizing that the cut is getting deeper and bigger. this internal wound should be treated, but I don’t know how. At the end, before i know it, I actually hurt someone else.
Sorry. I am not as strong as how you see me. I know my problem. I just don’t know how to solve it. People are running away because of how selfish I am. I do not want to blame anyone. If I were them, I might do the same thing. why wasting time with someone who doesn't trust people and keeping on hurting you? Just let them go! Get a life. They have problem, let them solve.
But if only I could get someone to bare patient with me, and try understand me, I would appreciate that person for my whole life. I know I took too much time, and it is your call to walk away. Honestly, everything that happens between us, it is entirely because of me. I do not blame you and that’s why I get mad when you keep apologizing. It is my fault and let me punish my own self. sorry if you feel like i was ignoring you but, to be completely honest. I am fighting. I have no gut to talk about it. It is all about what happened to me before and how it beat me up everyday. I am afraid of my ownself, though no one could see this.
Everyday, I always be ready to die. I feel like this world would be so much better without people like me. When you see me trying to do my best to do good to people, I was just trying to make my life useful before I die. I am annoying, useless and frustrating. I’ll take that. It is just me trying to find myself back. I got too frustrated with my own life but I know I have no right to blame God for this, I am trying to remind myself, PERHAPS I JUST DON’T SEE WHAT HE SEES.
I try to not give up and that requires strength and energy. I wish I have a strong support system. But God knows best.
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