Communication problem

Danger signs:

Lack of talking

No communication

Inability to listen

No trust

Jealousy

No Balance

Lack of Respect

A relationship should be a balance between two people. One person shouldn't be giving, while the other is only taking.

No communication takes place until other person feels heard

How to keep a relationship.

Communicate: Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. e there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won't always be happy. Don't expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally.

Smile!

Facebook just reminded me of a post I made three years ago.. wow,, how time flies...

I was walking in the Walmart,(perhaps my face was just too serious), suddenly I heard a voice.

"Smile young lady!"

I started to smile, then he asked,

"You're a Muslim?"

Yes

"Assalamualaikum"

Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah

"You go to the Mosque?"

Yes

"You go for Jum'ah?"

Yes.

"That's good. Come on. Why are you not smiling? Smile. Be grateful that we are blessed. Smile. Say Alhamdulillah."

I said "Alhamdulillah" while smiling, and continue walking.

He's American, working there. And he was wearing the kufi.

What a proud Muslim I just met.

He's right. 'Why am I not smiling?'

update perkara satu dua dan tiga

Fuhh, rasanya baru sangat tulis pasal lagu linkin park tu, and now even a week, the vocalist meninggal akibat bunuh diri. Bunuh diri ni kes sedih bagi aku, aku pernah berhadapan dengan orang yang nak bunuh diri, yang amik dadah hanya sebab tu je cara untuk dia happy. Mestilah aku tahu yang bunuh diri ni sangat dikeji dalam islam dan aku pun sokong yang macam mana pun jalan hidup kita, cipta ajal sendiri bukan pilihan. Tapi sebelum kita pandang hina orang-orang yang bunuh diri ni, aku nak jugak ingat kan diri yang kita tak tahu apa yang dirorng dah lalui. Kita tak jalan dalam kasut diorang, ehh.

Pokoknya, stress yang mereka lalui mungkin sangat berat. Aku tak justify keputusan diorang, tapi kita yang muslim and even yang non-muslim, should ambil iktibar. Yes, life sucks sometimes or even most of the time. But we must keep going. And also, kita yang berada bersama-sama orang yang tertekan ni, do something to help them! Kita tak tahu how much they need us!

Now, comes to this. Aku sedar yang orang yang sangat dekat dengan aku ada masalah tekanan jiwa. Hampir putus asa dengan hidup. Macam mana aku nak deal dengan dia ni. Of course aku sangat harap dia tak lah sampai nak bunuh diri but somehow, aku risau jugak lah. Dia punya ayat. ‘Ingat sampai mati’ membuatkan aku yakin dia memang ada masalah tekanan. Aku hanya mampu doa dari jauh sebab aku masih belum tahu cara nak lembutkan hatinya agar lebih pemaaf, sebab aku pun tahu apa yang dia dah lalui. Sakit. Aku tahu. Aku pun mesti yakin yang masanya akan tiba. Dia akan pulih. Dan aku harap aku tak give up. I wish I can ask the one who made him feel that way to say a simple sorry…

Dah dah, tu satu. I know, tu lah yang merunsingkan aku satu dua tiga menjak ni. Sampai habis semua orang yang tengok muka aku ni, dok tanya apsal aku sedih, apsal aku susah hati. Sampai atuk yang rabun tu pun boleh tanya.

------

On the other hand, aku happy sangat! I have a great news to share….

No, bukan aku nak kahwin.. Haha.  but it makes me even happier. Sebab tu nak share jugak, dah tak tahu nak share ngan sapa.

Mama dengan baba nak pergi buat haji! Yes, I am very happy for them. Tak tahu la nak cakap how much I want them to get the chance to go to the holy land. Huh, tears coming out..

Mungkin bagi korang, alah biasa lah tu, dah tua gi lah buat haji.. But if you know more about my family, you will know how happy I am and why am I so happy about that, macam lah aku yang pegi.

I’m very very happy. Although ada lah jugak risau dalam hati ni.. But benda baik, just pray for the best.

-----

Ok, tu dua, Next, I want to sumbat jugak pasal benda lain. Pasal cinta. Haha why my why mesti ada gak benda lame ni? Hari tu ada sembang-sembang dengan beberapa akak ni, saja lah nak sembang-sembang kosong. Tapi aku dapat lah jugak isinya. Sorang akak ni selamba cakap, “ patutla ko tak kawin lagi”.. Aku pun ‘apsal?’. Rupanya “tak reti bercinta ko ni”.

Haha rasa cam lawak pulak. Bercinta pun kena reti tak reti eh? But then when I think about it, betul lah tu. memang tak pandai bercinta pun aku ni. Nak kahwin tapi tak da calon. Ada orang nak kenal, tak reti nak handle situation, memang melepas la. Rasa lawak pun ada.

“Ko ni mulut je cakap nak kawin, tapi ko tau ko tak ready lagi kan?”.

Agaklah, banyak lagi benda aku nak selesaikan before settle down,

“ sebab tu ko bila orang nak kenal ko tak de la desperate cakap “boleh” terus “.Orang lain kalau kata nak kawin, tak dak calon, main rembat je. Orang nak kenal, terus on, bagi nombo phone.

Haha akak ni blunt sangat lah aku rasa. Betul lah tu. bila fikir balik, aku boleh sengih je lah.

Betul lah tu, i guess, aku memang tengah fokus benda lain dulu kot. Settle kan perkara satu dan dua tu dulu.. Yang tiga ni, kalau jodoh, tak kemana~

Yes, I miss you

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.


Yup, the song from Linkin Park, his favorite song. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I know by writing this here would not change anything. He will be the last person to read this here. Yes, sometimes I do wish things were different. As much I am trying my best to fix things, I can't lie. I need him. I wish I could tell him how much he is needed. How frequent he is in my mind. 

Also, I listened to his other favorite singer, Eminem. I believe he liked this song because he can relate the lyrics.

Eminem- Beautiful

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

----

In my shoes, just to see
What it'd be like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

*go search for the lyrics. I purposely not putting it here because of the unsuitable words.

Well, I really wish you didn't give up. I really wish you were stronger. I'm doing this for us. Please you too, do something about it. InsyaAllah one day things will get much better. InsyaAllah, one day I will see your smile again. I must see your smile again. 

Yes, we can do this. I feel your pain, bro. please do this with me, I can't handle this alone. 

Sincerely,
I miss you so much. I miss us, I miss us all. May Allah bless

Not yet

"Honor the space between no longer and not yet."

haha, I can't believe I'm writing this. Even worse, I can't believe I am experiencing this, especially when there's a gap between when it happened and when I started to feel this weird feeling. ( Yes, I purposely not making it very clear.)

And again, believe it or not, I think what I wrote in the previous post actually making much more sense for me now. It was just a few days ago. Argghhhh really? Like seriously, last time I wrote the post was just for the sake of writing since the lady had given some advice that I thought I might need it in the future, but I did not expect that it would be this fast.

I do not know how to explain the feeling, it is not like I feel very frustrated or anything like that but it sure makes me feel sad. But why must it take days to feel the sadness? why didn't I had the feeling right after? ok, ok I know I am confusing now.

But regardless, I must admit, that was a turning point for me. I did not expect that just because of that incident, I quietly wanted to start a new life, I didn't expect it to be the game changer. however, just as the quote I include in the beginning, I must honor the space between no longer and not yet. I can't believe I am in that particular space. honestly, I never thought I would be affected like this by that!

Accept the fact that it is no longer. come on, things are different now since then. at the same time just trust God that the time is not yet.

oh, wait! since when I even had that thing? It was never official. Sadly, It was just my feeling thinking and fantasizing things while the fact is it was never mine anyway. so, it is relevant for me to claim that it is no longer, though I know it never belonged to me?

That is the unfortunate fact about life, most of the time we are sad when God took something we love from us, but the truth is we never own them. Alright you got the point. we own nothing.

Believe that Allah had everything arraged very nicely for yahh..

Okay,, let me end this post with this:

"One of the hardest decision you'll ever face in life is whether to walk away of try harder"
-Ziad K. AbdelNour

*Mood: wanna start a new life, yet still unsure of one thing.

till then, assalamualaikum! :)

Jaga diri

Satu hari ni aku ade lah duduk termenung, tak sedar pun tengah termenung tapi tiba-tiba datang seorang makcik duduk sebelah aku.

Makcik tu mula tanya aku, fikir apa tu?

‘Eh tak adalah’

‘Tak payah lah sorok, cerita aje dengan makcik’

Aku senyum aje

‘Tak kahwin lagi?’

Eh terkejut aku. Kenapa tiba-tiba tanya macam tu.

‘Makcik tahu zaman sekarang ni ramai kahwin awal. Makcik tak pasti umur awak berapa tapi nampak gaya dah boleh cari pasangan hidup. Makcik tak ada anak lelaki tapi makcik nak pesan sikit boleh.’

‘Apa dia makcik?’

‘Jaga diri’

‘Eh?’

‘Jaga maruah diri. Makcik tengok sekarang ni susah nak jumpa remaja yang baik-baik. Yang pandai banyak, cuma yang pandai jaga diri susah dah nak jumpa. Bijak, kerja besar, pandai melawa tu memang dah banyak. Makcik tengok orang sekarang terkejar-kejar semua tu tapi lupa nak jaga diri, jaga budi pekerti.’

‘Hmm. tu lah’

‘Makcik memang tak kenal awak. Dan makcik cuma ikhlas nak pesan. Sebab tengok gaya, mustahil belum ada orang minat. Tapi gaya menung perasan makcik awak ni nampak ada masalah besar. Maaf lah makcik ni memang banyak mulut sikit.’

‘Eh, takpe’

‘Jaga diri ye nak. Cinta tu mahal. Jangan murah kan diri. Makcik pun ada anak. Sibuk nak ada boyfriend. Tau-tau je dia menangis-nangis, makan minum ape tak nak. Rupanya putus cinta. Makcik nak aje mintak dia pelihara diri dia hanya untuk orang yang betul-betul nak jaga dia nanti. Tapi biasalah, anak sendiri bukan nak dengar kata. Dulu dia tak macam tu, tak terkejar-kejar pun nak ada boyfriend. Tapi dia kata dia tak laku. Tak ada yang nak masuk meminang, kawan-kawan ramai dah kahwin. Jadi dia kenalah stop jual mahal sangat. Jadi, biasalah kalau awak tu jual murah, susah nak dapat orang yang betul-betul nak hargai. Kita tak tahu orang beli sebab murah atau dia memang dah berkenan. Tu yang banyak kali putus cinta tu. makcik risau. Bagi makciklah, baik dia tak payah bercinta daripada nak putus-putus cinta ni.’

‘Anak makcik umur berapa?’

‘Umur berapa tu tak penting!’

*alamak salah soalan pulak, kan dah kena marah

‘Jangan tengok umur berapa. Awak jaga diri elok-elok, insyaAllah tuhan bagi yang elok. Tua ke muda ke, biarlah’

‘Awak nak kahwin?’

‘Eh, siapa yang tak nak’

*malu pulak aku jawab soalan makcik tu

‘Sekarang ni memang orang suka banding-bandingkan? Makcik tanya awak. Tak payah lah cerita pasal orang lain’

*aisehh kena marah lagi

‘Ada niat, cuma calon belum ada’

‘Belum ada atau awak jual mahal?’

‘Tak pastilah, makcik.’

‘Orang takut nak dekat apa? Jaga elok-elok diri awak. Jaga elok-elok cinta awak yang mahal tu. biarlah orang kata jual mahal. InsyaAllah satu hari awak akan jumpa orang yang tahu nak hargai awak.’

*eh apsal rasa cam sedih pulak ayat makcik ni

‘Rumahtangga tu tak mudah tau, ingat makcik cakap ni. Jaga diri awak elok-elok dan jangan buruk sangka pada Allah’

-------------------

 ok.. terima kasih makcik. insyaAllah saya' jaga diri'. and you too, take care yah, dear readers!

Pleasant words

When I was doubting my own decision, although I know I need be confident with it, thank God I met people with pleasant words.

For that, I thought I would like to write something on this:

Nowadays, we take for granted of good words. I feel like reminding us about the power of good words.

When we meet people, it is normal that we sometimes could sense something wrong about the other person as if we are very sure that he is struggling with something. We then ask if he is okay. then, as expected, he said there's nothing wrong. But we know that they are lying and we open our lips to give some simple advice about life, how we trust them in solving whatever problem he is facing. Although he then raises his voice reminding us that there is nothing wrong and he is completely okay, we may not know how our words helped calm him down.

Just keep doing it!

I simply want to show my appreciation to some who thought I have taken a good and a wise decision. Thank you for telling me that it is okay to choose this path. Thank you for trying to understand my situation and the rational for me to decide this.

I know I should not hope anyone to tell me if I am making the decision right or wrong. I am the one who should be sure of my own self. I must feel comfortable making decisions for my future. but once in a while, I need some support.

It is my life and my future. I know why I am doing this and the reasons behind all this. And that is what I need to learn more. we should learn. It is the time I make a decision for myself without feeling bad if it will upset anyone. we must know by now that being in a situation where we need to choose this and that, will somehow hurt someone around us, it is important to think wisely before picking but you must be comfortable wth your decision and be ready to deal with the outcome.

Be confident with your own choice. good words from others may help you to be more confident but make sure you can still live without those.

Look in the mirror and ask that particular person, because it is him the one who will need to live with the results. Thank those who gave their opinion, but trust yourself in making the decision, for your own good.

Not everyone will get it. Move on.

Jangan hanya dikulum, telan walau pahit

Dan kita pun dah masuk antara 10 hari terakhir bulan ramadhan tahun ni. Again, ramadhan aku taun ini sangat berbeza. mungkin perasaan aku sahaja tapi mungkin juga kerana realiti sekeliling. Aku sedar, dalam blog aku ni lately, aku banyak mengadu domba. Mungkin ada yang dah tak selesa dah nak baca apa yang aku tulis. Mungkin ada juga yang rasa macam aku ni, bemda kecik pun nak bising lebih. Biasalah, semua orang ada ujian masing-masing.

Betul tu, setiap orang ada ujian masing-masing. Lihat sahaja dikaca tv dan di corong-corong radio. berita- berita yang menyayat hati banyak yang menyedarkan kepada ujian hidup yang diberikan kepada insan bernama manusia.

Aku tertarik yang tulis pasal berita kemalangan 6 sekeluarga yang maut meninggalkan seorang anak lelaki yang berusia 19 tahun. Entah, waktu terdengar berita tu kat tv, aku sampai terduduk, terbayang macam mana ;ah kalau akulah yang kehilangan keluarga tu. mak, ayah, adik beradik semua meninggal serentak. tak tahu macam mana nak rasa. 

Berita tentang kematian kes buli di UPNM tu pun sama, apalah perasaan keluarga mangsa yang di dera sebegitu rupa? Dalam masa yang sama, bagaimana pula perasaaan keluarga yang disedarkan yang anak mereka terlibat sebagai suspek dan dikenakan hukuman gantung? 

Dan banyak lagi berita lain yang sememangnya menginsafkan. 

Ada pelbagai jenis ujian dalam hidup, dan semua orang sedar tu. Tapi saat kita diuji, seriously, nak ucap innalillahi wainna ilaihirajiuun pun dah tak mampu. Secara tiba-tiba pegangan kita goyah lalu pandangan kita kelam. 

Adakalanya ujian yang datang melibatkan manusia lain yang menganiaya, dan apa pula ynag tak dapat kita kesan siapa pula yang perlu dipersalahkan. 

Tapi apa yang aku sedar, sifat manusia, kuat mana pun iman, pasti tergoda untuk mecari kesalahan dan menuduh orang lain. Dan kerana itulah dendam dan amarah tidak mudah dipadamkan. 

Memang benar, ujian adalah salah satu faktor yang membentuk kita, jika kita pernah miskin, kita mungkin seorang yang lebih berhati-hati dalam berbelanja, atau lebih pandai mencari duit. Jika kita pernah di khianat, mungkin kita cuba untuk lebih ber waspada dan lebih berhati- hati untuk tidak buat perkara ynag sama pada orang lain pula. 

Tapi percaya atau tidak, mungkin juga orang yang pernah dikhianat itu bertukar menjadi orang yang berdendam lantar mula pula mengkhianat yang lain, bahkan lebih teruk lagi.

Ujian yang sama, jika diberikan pada orang yang berbeza mungkin akan mengubah hidup mereka menjadi berlainan sekali. sebagaimana air yang sama melembutkan ubu kentang, boleh mengeraskan telur. 

Benar, ujian yang kita lalui dalam hidup tak mudah untuk kita terima dengan hati yang lapang, dan tak juga mudah kita lupa dengan mudah. ujian selalunya menjadi titik perubahan dalam diri kita, tak kiralah baik atau buruknya perubahan itu. 

Cuma jangan jadikan ujian yang kita lalui sebelum ini sebagai alasan untuk kita buat jahat. sejarah hitam dalam hidup pasti menghantui tapi kita punya pilihan untuk tidak dirasuk. Percaya Allah. 

Ambillah masa untuk telan segala kepahitan. lain orang, lain tempoh yang mereka perlukan. Walaupun pahit, kita perlu telan juga, kerana selagi kita tak terima takdir, selagi itu kita akan menyalahkan tuhan, menyalahkan orang lain juga. 

Aku pun sama bersalah, dan sebab tu jugalah aku tulis ni. Siapa sangka benda sepuluh tahun dulu boleh membayangi kehidupan kau sekarang? Siapa sangka benda yang kau pendam dan simpan elok sebagai rahsia mampu membunuh masa depan kau?

Bila orang kata, jangan pendam sorang-sorang, percayalah. 

Oklah, aku pun malas nak emosional malam-malam ni. Tapi aku cuma rasa ralat dengan diri sendiri kerana masih dihantui kisah silam. Rasa macam takut dengan bayang-bayang sendiri, rasa takut adakah mereka yang selama ni memuji dan pandang tinggi aku akan benci aku jika kenal siapa aku yang sebenar?

Pujian yang orang beri, rasa tak layak aku terima. Dalam hati, "betapa Allah tutup aib aku. "

"Be who you needed when you were younger."

Frankly, this will be the stupidest post from me. Just ignore.

I just feel the need to write and post this publicly because I have the feeling, some people just need this.

First of all, I am so sorry for posting this on behalf of my own name. Below are just my thoughts and my humble opinion. There are just too many people asking me why a choose to be a kindergarten teacher, which most people know, how stressful and tiring it can be. 

"Be who you needed when you were younger.". If you ask me what I wanna a be, it will be this. That is my ambition. Not a typical one but that is it. That is the exact answer. 

I have a dream, I have a very ambitious target. Most people think I just got a degree from abroad so I need to come back and immediately work at a big company with high pay. Maybe I could but that is just not what I want to do, at least not in the near future. 

Why do I choose to work at a kindergarten, although the pay is not even worth the time and energy? 

Not many know how coward I was and I decided that I need to stop being one.  Some people know how sick I was and I need to do something about it. 

The truth is, working with the kids seems fun, but no one knows know hurtful it is to me. I did not believe that I can't even look at their innocent faces without bursting into tears.  after two days working there, I almost quit the job. Not because I was tired or I hate the job, but I realize that I can't hold my tears when I'm with them. There is something about them that breaks my heart. From that day, I understood why I was there. Not to be a teacher, but to be a student. I need to fight this sickness. I need to stop the trauma. I need to recover. I need to learn how. I want to learn how to be the best guardian for the kids.

I love kids generally but when I started to see them every day, the love is different. I just can't. All the flashbacks and the dark memories came to attack.

You may not understand what am I writing about, and that's why I said this is the stupidest post. I don't even care if you understand. I just wanna write and answer the question. 

"It is not how big the house it, it is how happy the home is." Some of you might understand why I quoted this. I am not saying my life is a disaster, but it was a challenging one, at least for a loser like me, too weak for a small issue. Yes, you should remind me that no one in this world has a perfect life. 

Yes, tough childhood. Many ignore this because people think this is nothing. But I must say, IT IS KILLING THE HUMANITY. People could become insane just because of this.

I do not want to put the blame on anyone. the past is the past. Let by gone be by gone. But the past answers why I make my decision today, working where I am working today and feeling scared to build my own family. Yes, I am such a coward.  

I am afraid of my future kids to go through what I have been through. For the time being, there are so many things I need to learn still. 

like they said;
"Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through."

For those who understand the feeling, let's get out of this. We were a loser but should no longer be. 


May God make it easy for us.

Keputusan yang diragui

Dah pemalas nak tulis in english...

harini Alhamdulillah dah masuk hari ke-15 dalam bulan ramadhan. Ramadhan kali ni, aku rasa berbeza sangat, beza yang aku tak dapat bandingkan dengan ramadhan yang sebelum-sebelum ni. Aku tak dapat teka sama ada ramadhan kali ni lebih baik atau lebih teruk dari sebelum ni. sesekali aku rasa sedih sebab amalan ibadah khusus aku tak sebanding dengan sebelum-sebelum ni. Tapi sesekali aku rasa bersyukur kerana ada kebaikan yang sebelum ni aku tak dapat buat, kini aku berpeluang untuk laksanakan.

Bukan tugas aku untuk menghitung dan aku pun tak nak rasa cukup dalam membuat kebaikan, cuma aku tertanya-tanya, terfikir, baik elok atau makin buruk aku ni. Tahun ini, ramadhan yang mencabar, puasa 18 jam sebelum ni aku sangka sudah mencabar, tapi puasa dan bekerja juga mencabar. Tak setanding dengan puasa dan belajar di sekolah dahulu. penat dia lain macam. Pernah juga terfikir, jika aku ikut cakap parents untuk berhenti kerja dan tumpu lebih untuk beramal ibadat di bulan puasa mungkin hari-hari aku lebih produktif. Tapi terfikir juga, mungkin kalau aku berhenti kerja, entah kerja aku tidur sahaja lepas subuh. Tak tahu lah. sebab sejak 4 tahun lepas, bulan puasa je, mesti aku cuti penuh sebulan tu. Kali ni, kerja, memang jadi mencabar lah. ( cuma tahun lepas pun mencabar sebab travel sampai sebulan di bumi eropah dan balkan.)

Rasa sedih juga sebab tahun ni tarawikh tak penuh, tapi rasa puas juga sebab sekurang-kurang nya aku rasa hari-hari aku berguna, berguna untuk kanak-kanak ditadika tu. Aku rasa semua tu dikira jugalah kan sebagai amalan. Selain tu, sebelum ni aku tak dapat nak berbakti pada keluarga, pada mama, baba, adik, abang, opah, atuk, makcik, pakcik dan para sepupu. Mungkin sebelum ni masa aku dbanyak untuk bersendirian dan beribadat, tapi kali ni, memang sangat beza, Meriah betul ramadhan kali ni, Macam-macam karenah diorang ni. walaupun masa rasa makin kurang dan asyik rasa tak cukup je, aku harap aku tak sia-siakan masa yang ada.

Aku jadi keliru, mana yang lebih utama dalam bulan ramadhan. Aku pun tak pasti nak jawab. Tapi apa pun, aku harap sangat aku tak ambil keputusan yang mengecewakan. sebab aku tak pasti sama ada adakah lagi ramadhan akan datang untuk aku. Terlalu ramai yang mempersoalkan keputusan yang aku buat dalam hidup aku menyebabkan aku kadangkala goyah dengan pendirian. Ramai yang sangka aku melawan arus, tapi aku harap mereka percaya dengan keputusan aku sekurang-kurangya hormat dengan keputusan yang aku ambil.

Atau mungkin aku yang terlalu sensitif dan terlalu memikirkan apa yang orang kata. Tetapi, ada gentar dalam jiwa untuk menghadapi hari raya nanti, sebenarnya. Aku takut, takut terambil hati dengan soalan-soalan typical sanak saudara nanti. walaupun sudah dapat dijangka, tapi aku tetap takut.

Cuma doaku dan harapanku, semoga orang percaya yang aku seorang yang berfikir panjang untuk buat keputusan. walaupun aku ambil kata putus yang agak aneh dan tak tercapai akak banyak orang, aku mohon orang tak terlalu persoalkan keupayaan aku dalam usaha menjadi seorang yang berjaya. Mungkin definisi berjaya kita lain, tapi aku amat perlukan sokongan dan kepercayaan.

Semoga dipermudah.
Rezeki semua Allah atur, aku bukan putus asa dan tak juga aku melengah-lengah. malah aku sebenarnya berlari mengejar cita-cita. Ramai tak nampak, ramai tak percaya. maaf aku memang degil.

Ahlan ya Ramadhan

Rasa macam kejap je. Dah Ramadhan dah. Harini dah hari keenam dah dah. Macam-macam perasaan yang aku ada dalam jiwa ni. Entah tak tahu kenapa tapi rasa rindu sangat dengan pengalaman-pengalaman ramadhan sebelum ni. Ramadan memang special. Setiap tahun, ia merupakan titik perubahan yang pasti ada dalam hidup aku. Tiga tahun lepas, memori ramadhan ku masih jelas. Kali pertama aku berpuasa 18 jam di Amerika Syarikat. Jiwa aku hidup sangat. Alhamdulillah waktu tu pun, waktu cuti tiga bulan. Siang yang panjang aku gunakan untuk menuntut ilmu, (selain qada’ tidor malam yang pendek). Suasana di masjid dengan pelbagai tradisi yang di bawa oleh muslim dari bermacam negara, rasa sangat meriah.

Tahun berikutnya aku pulang ke Malaysia untuk berpuasa bersama keluarga, Alhamdulillah. Namun, tak ku sangka masa ynag ku sangka akan membahagiakan, bertukar menjadi sangan mencabar. Aku tak sangka itulah masa aku diuji dengan begitu teruk sekali. Masih ku fikir, bagaimana Allah telah membantu aku mengharungi semua itu.

Tahun lepas, antara ramadhan yang paling bermakna. Siapa sangka hari pertama ramadhan aku adalah di Manchester, kemudian aku ke Scotland, kemudia ke negara-negara balkan- Croatia, Bosnia dan Hungary.  Bosnia, adalah negara yang aku paling mahu jejaki selepas arab saudi. MashaAllah, aku masih tak percaya yang aku telah pun diberi peluang berpuasa, iftar dan bertarawikh di sana. Pengalaman bermusafir sambil bermuasafir dan berpuasa di negara impian tak dapat ku ungkap dengan kata-kata.

Dan disinilah aku. Ramadhan 2017, aku sudah di Malaysia, sekali lagi ku sambut dengan keluarga tercinta. Tapi aku rasa sunyi sekali. Aku tak pasti kenapa. Rasa sedih sangat. Mungkin perasaan aku sahaja. Dan mungkin aku perlu lebih banyak luang masa dengan Sang pencipta. Tapi semoga Ramadhan kali ini lebih bermakna. Aku rasa buntuh sangat dan aku rasa aku perlukan jawapan bagi banyak perkara, banyak sangat. Aku rasa terbeban dengan persoalan hidup yang aku perlu jawab. Aku rasa takut untuk buat keputusan yang akan menentukan masa depan aku. Mungkin ini tanda aku perlu lebih yakin dengan takdir Allah.

• Side note, aku masih tertanya-tanya siapa yang salam ayah aku dulu waktu kat airport? Haha benda dah lepas, tapi sebab baru tahu, and family dok ulang-ulang, wonder jugak, Sape eh?

Cikgu Tadika?

Haha banyak pulak post pasal guru tadika kan.. Orang lain pun kerja jugak tapi tak de la nak obses sangat pasal kerjaya dia.

Well since I am still trying to figure out what I really wanna do, I am thinking to just go with the flow. Cherish the moment!

But today was an eye opening day.. Harini berpeluang melawat beberapa saudara yang berdekatan. Pergi rumah opah ( opah dah balik dari KL lepas paklang Kawin!) So, saje lah opah ajak ziarah tok wa, tok lang, tok njang dan tak ngah. Almost every rumah tu, ada orang sakit yang terlantar berbaring. Tok wa sakit tua, tapi alhamdulillah mulut dia tak berhenti bersembang hehe, sukan tenguk, ceria je. Toklang pulak nampak pasif, tak banyak bercakap. Tok njang tak sakit tapi anak dia sakit. Sejak strok tu, nampak anak toknjang macam putus harapan. Sedih sangat. Makan tak nak, tadi kami singgah, pandang pun tak. Tak surelah apa yang dia fikirkan tapi seriously hope dia bangkit semula.

But.. tu just mukadimah.. Actually, apa yang aku nak share sebenarnya lain. Aku cuma terfikir, biasalah, bila kita bertandang di rumah orang ni, banyak ynag bertanya, dan yang pentingnya bila kita duduk diam dan pasang telinga dengar orang tua-tua bersembang.

Ramai tanya tadi, la ni ngeja apa? ( selain, “takda kawan lagi ka?”)

Cikgu tadika

1. Ok la na, rileks rileks dulu
2. Laaa awat tak cari keja di kl?
3. Pasaipa tak contact sapa-sapa kot boleh adjust

Diatas ni adalah tiga reaction yang aku dapat. Aku tak salahkan mana-mana reaction pun, tapi aku salute la yang memahami suruh kerja ja apa pun takpa, teman mak. Thank you.

Tapi saja lah nak hurai, buat ada yang rasa rugi sebab aku baru balik obesi tapi gaji biasa-biasa ni, thanks jugak sebab amik berat. Tapi harap jangan la rasa macam aku ni menyedihkan sangat. Memangla mesti ada jugak rasa teringin nak ada kerja tetap, tapi aku happy dengan keputusan aku sekarang.

Buat ada yang persoal kenapa aku tak cari kerja besar, aku ada prinsip aku. Aku ada pendapat aku sendiri.

Ye lah, logiknya dah mengaji sampai luaq negara awatnya yang nak keja cikgu tadika ja?

Cuma aku terpanggil nak tulis post ni sebab aku perasa, bagi sesetengah masyarakat, ada yang berpendapat setiap graduan tu kena kerja gaji besaq, kerja di kl. Kalau tak, akan jadi buah mulut. Tapi percaya atau tidak, hakikatnya begini:

Sebagai contoh, wani baru lepas grad, tak lama kemudian, wani dapat kerja swasta di kl , gaji masyuk, alhamdulillah. Wani ada adik nama lina. Lina pun grad, tapi keja kat kampung ja duduk ngan mak dia. Tapi biasalah dah duduk kawasan tak berapa nak bandar, mana pulak nak dapat gaji besaq. Boleh la. Lina jadi buah mulut kata dia keja tak besaq macam kakak dia. Percaya atau tidak, sepuluh tahun kemudian ( mungkin juga lima), mak wani dan lina jatuh sakit. Lina sahaja yang jaga mak dia, wani jarang sungguh nak jengguk, maklumlah sibuk bekerja. Tapi lina tak lupa kirim duit buat ibunya. Now, agak-agak siapa yang akan jadi buah mulut orang? Wani punya turn lah pulak. Lina kini mendapat pujian ramai sebab sentiasa ada dengan mak dia.

Dua orang berbeza dengan rezeki yang berlainan. Sini dapat kita lihat, kalau nak fikir sangan dengan apa yang orang nak kata, tak payahla. Sebab kita manusia memang takkan mampu nak puaskan hati orang. Aku bukan nak judge sesiapa, wani dan lina, bagi aku pilihan mereka dan takdir mereka tak salah pun. Masing-masing, bagi aku, adalah anak yang baik. Cuma nak buat macam mana, orang zaman sekarang ni memang suka nak cari salah orang, suka nak membanding-banding.

Well, ni just apa yang aku perasan tadi la. Saja tulis supaya aku sendiri tak mudah tergugat. Aku pun masih fikir, apa plan aku. Tapi mungkin belum masanya untuk ke KL lah.

Nak kata apa, kata lah. Tapi doakanlah yang baik-baik :)

*sambil tengok bola kedah lawan pahang. kalau kedah menang esok cuti tak?

Side-effect kerja di tadika

Tak sangka rupanya bahaya kita bekerja di tadika. Aku sebenarnya amat bersyukur diberi peluang berkerja disana. Aku sedar betapa beruntungnya aku diberi pengalaman sebegini diusia ini. Aku masih bujang. Di tempat kerja, ada dua orang yang dah berumahtangga dan yang lain belum. Sedar tak sedar aku ada beberapa orang anak. Percayalah, aku betul-betul rasa macam diorang tu anak aku. Bila aku tengok muka dan gelagat diorang, aku boleh menitik air mata. Bila aku rasa geram, ada jugak aku marah dan nasihat macam mereka tu anak aku sendiri. Secara tak sengaja, aku dah ada gambaran, cara didikan yang macam mana yang aku nak bagi pada anak-anak aku nanti, insyaAllah.

Aku dah pandai bancuh susu, basuh najis, mandikan, tidurkan mereka. Alhamdulillah. Bukan sahaja aku dah dapat tingkatkan ilmu cara untuk berkomunikasi dengan kanak-kanak, aku juga dapat belajar cara-cara mengurus mereka. Itu aku dah agak, dan memang itu pun antara sebab aku nak kerja situ.

Tapi yang agak pelik ialah, aku sudah mula ada bayangan tentang aku nak bapa yang bagaimana untuk anak aku nanti. Sudah ada beberapa bapa students aku yang aku amat kagumi. Serius, aku takde la nak kebas atau jatuh cinta pada suami orang, tapi seikhlas hati, aku ada impian yang jelas, harapkan pasangan aku nanti boleh jadi bapa yang mungkin sebegitu. Aku dah mula sedar yang tiada manusia yang sempurna. Tetapi aku tahu yang ada perkara yang aku betul-betul mahu dalam diri seorang lelaki dan ada beberapa perkara yang aku boleh toleransi.

Aku tak tahu lah ni baik atau bahaya. Aku takut aku terlalu memilih, tapi dalam masa yang sama, aku bersyukur sebab aku diberi peluang ini untuk aku lihat dengan mata kepala aku sendiri, manusia yang bagaimana yang aku cari. Tapi ingat My, tak semua yang kita nak, kita akan dapat. Hidup ni penuh dengan ujian. Tapi banyakkanlah berdoa.

But aku ni takdelah kerja nak usha bapak orang, aku usah sama mak mak students. Aku rasa banyak jugalah aku sedar, sejak jadi guru tadika ni. Since almost everyday aku akan somehow berjumpa dengan parent dan berkomunikasi dengan parents di pintu pagar, bolehlah sedikit sebanyak lihat dan nilai bagaimana layanan seorang ibu(dan bapa) melayan anaknya. Bukan apa, walau pun just 2 minit, kami guru tadika boleh nampa perbezaan layanan yang diberikan orleh each parents kepada anak mereka. Especially when ada students yang nakal dan ada students yang baik, dan ada students dan ngada-ngada. Ada jugalah pola dan trend untuk dianalyze. Tapi sangat confusing sebab kebanyakan yang nakal ni lah yang pandai. Yang baik ni kurang sikit bijak dia. Yang ngada-ngada ni selalunya sama ada sebab ada rupa atau bijak.  Tapi dari segi parenting, rasanya, yang nakal ni yang mak ayah kurang masa bersama dengan anak kat rumah. Kalau mak ayah banyak masa melayan, boleh jadi pandai tapi boleh juga jadi ngada-ngada. Tapi insyaAllah klu mak ayah ada masa kat rumah, ni geng-geng yang behave lah.

No no, these are just my observation. Takdelah nak pukul semua sama rata. Cuma aku diusia yang masih terumbang-ambing ni, dah mula lah rasa termotivated nak jadi wanita yang macam mana, belah mana nak kena perbaiki dan belah mana nak kena buang. Acece..

Tak dapat tidak, dah mula lah rasa macam nak ada rumahtangga sendiri, nak ada pasangan sendiri, dan pastinya anak-anak sendiri. Ye lah dah mula lah yakin yang aku ni memang minat dan suka la dengan budak-budak :) nomeyyy je depa nihhh.

Namun, tak juga lah aku nak terburu-buru. Bak kata orang, berhati-hatilah dalam memilih pasangan. Kita nak duduk dengan dia bukan sebulan dua. Kita nak hidup dengan dia seumur hidup. Kita pun kena ada progres baiki diri. Cukupkan apa yang belum, banyakkan apa yang kurang dan kurangkan apa yang lebih.  Doa jangan putus. Jodoh itu memang rahsia Allah. Mungkin di dunia, mungkin di akhirat, Yakin sahaja dengan perancangan Dia.

Kindergarten, what's lacking? ( just some of them)

I’m back.

Alhamdulillah.

To continue my thoughts on being a kindergarten teacher, I first must make a disclaimer:

I am still young and I know nothing about an adult life. I am still new in the education field. I humbly believe that my writing will invite critics for seniors ( I welcome comments and critics). But please bare in mind, this is just my humble opinion and thoughts. It is not 100% correct and can be widely accepted by everybody. I am writing to express how grateful I feel about having the chance to be with the kids and listen to parents. Being able to sit around teachers and understand their thoughts. Being able to work under a system to understand the expectation people have for kids nowadays.

Okay,, now we shall continue.

Please do not get me wrong.. When I enter my workplace, I do have the intention to teach and guide my students to be better every day. However, my priority for the five-years folks is attitude and character. Yes, I will teach them on how to read, how to count and how to write. I believe, they need to learn, but somehow, I hate to push my students too hard.

So far, my students are having a hard time to focus in class, yet the management is expecting the students to be able to read individually every day. A few weeks ago, we had an examination week. Believe it or not, the five-years have exams- 5 subjects. And their exam questions are like standard 1( seven years old) exam questions.

Out of 15 kids in my class, only two of them were able to do it independently. While all others were struggling and I need to guide each one of them to make sure they can write on the paper. Five-years-old, I wonder do they really expect them to get 100 on the examination? Based on my observation, they don’t need an exam paper, or at least, they don’t need that level of the exam paper.

Am I only who think this way? For God sake, they are just 5-years old, just let them play. Learning is one thing, I have no objection about teaching the to do this and that, but I just can’t be strict and force them to read and write while I know they just really want to play with their friends. I let my students play when they want but actively participate when we have a class activity. 15 minutes of concentration in class is wonderful but two hours of listening and staring at me, I have no idea why we need to force them to do so.

Haha, I realized I am being very emotional when expressing these. I know this time, my writing is hard to follow. But I’ll try to explain why I am thinking this way.

Okay, this:

We, the teachers, have lesson plans and every week, we need to teach and introduce certain things to kids, I am okay with that, but every week, we need to introduce more new things.. Plus, in less than 3 hours a days, we need to recap, introduce new thing( like seriously something really new), and have each individual to read, one person at a time ( I have 15 kids in my class), two books (okay). We need to finish that every single day. I don’t know is it just me or what but, to be honest, that only is a tough job to do.

In less than 3 hours, I need to complete that and you now what’s missing?

1)Student’s curiosity

When I am introducing something new, the students will start asking questions and tell stories, ( imagine how slow students speaks sometimes, and how hard for me to understand what they really mean). Personally, I hate to tell them to keep quiet while I am teaching, I rather answer each of them and encourage them to speak. But do I have time for that? NO! And what happens when I entertain them? → my reading record is incomplete → Management will blame you ( tell you how bad you are at handling your class and time)

2) Student’s creativity

In their age, kids are supposed to develop creativity and us as teachers should encourage them to do so. However, when a teacher needs to rush things, I believe we won’t bother to let students show their creativity. We are being too strict on how things should be done ( because the principal and management already put things into places.) Being a teacher, I hate to force and push my students to do thing just in one way... Well, we know in life there are the different path to a destination. Come on, they are 5 years old, why do we need to be too firm on them?

3) Student’s self-esteem

I believe, in this day and age, most parents are busy with their job and hardly have time to be with their kids. Effective communication is becoming rare at home, sadly. I realize how bad children were being treated at home today. When they are excited to tell a story, the parent won’t listen. When they are asking the question, the parents are not eager to answer. How sad. But that’s the reality. Therefore, to me, why must we do the same at school? Why must we kill their self-confident when they are at school? Let them try to make their decision, don’t scare them, guide them. Don’t ask them to keep quiet and shut up, but rather entertain them up till a point where we know they need to now listen to us.

Unfortunately, we kill the important aspects in them that need to be developed. We are rushing thing on them and they are now stressed as a 5 years old. While in fact, what they are supposed to be doing is just play. Unless they are hurting or bothering their friends, being out of control, we need to train them. But seriously, why must we urge them to read and write and know everything at that age?

Just like one of the parents said to me:

I won’t push my son too hard because even if he scores excellently in his test, he won’t get anywhere either. Even if he is the best student here in terms of academic, nothing will change but he will look back and realize how stressful his childhood was. I am not hoping him to be genius, but just as good human being with moral values. I hate to see my so one day as someone smart academically but have no respect for others. I send him here to build his character because when he grow up, I won’t be able to shape him then. But knowledge, he will still have time for that.

That being said, I appreciate my experience at my workplace, but I am confident that I won't be teaching there for too long.. Sooner or later, I will change my direction.

23 Years-Old Kindergarten Teacher's Thoughts and Observation

 Alhamdulillah, at 23, I’ve gotten the chance to be in a kindergarten. Teaching kids the essentials skills and knowledge they need in life.

I once dream about being a kindergarten teacher because to me, I really want to be an important figure to shape the future generation. My childhood experience wasn’t perfect, but it is okay, I learned to move on. However, i won’t just let it go without making any effort to make other’s childhood better than mine.

When i got the job, I was so excited, and I am still now. Almost a month working with the children made me feel important. My job wasn’t easy. I admit, I almost quit for some reasons, but as for now, I am still there.

You know what, I love working with the kids but unfortunately, I discovered that I am not the best at being a kindergarten teacher ( at least not as the perfect teacher they want me to be). One of my training session was to observe how the senior teacher handle the children and manage her class. Believe me, she made it seems so easy to teach little kids.

I was very motivated when I came back from the training and very inspired to handle my class properly. However, I do realize that with my character and my personality, I won’t be able to be like the senior teacher. She has a very loud voice, makes it easy to grab the attention of the littles. I don’t have that. And when I want to shout, I have this horrible feeling of afraid, and scared that I might make my students shy away from me.

Yes, the students in my class need a firm teacher to discipline them. But I have no idea why it is so hard for be to be one. I don’t have the heart to look at their face and stay mad at them. Yes, I am there to make sure they are able to listen to teachers and behave in class, but I just can’t look at their innocent faces and raise my voice at them.

Especially when I handled the ‘parents and teachers meet’. I heard the stories from parents, about how they raise their kids and how their kids behave at home. I have this one parent came to me and directly ask me:

“So teacher, what advice do you want to give me?”

Oh wow, I have been a teacher for not even a month and seriously, I am not even married. Well, at first I thought he was trying to provoke, but seriously he was sincerely asking for suggestions. He mentioned that he feels guilty to his child for not spending enough time with him for giving more attention to his younger siblings, and for working days and nights and not having the chance to look after him, his child.

He told me that he was once raising his voice at his child at home because he can't stand his boy’s attitude. Yet, the boy innocently said,” Dad, please do not raise your voice at me, just now, at school, the teacher already mad at me for peeing in my pants. Why must you scold me too, now, at home?”

Honestly, I was touched, and can’t help but feel guilty that I unintentionally mad at him for peeing in the class. I didn’t really scold him, but maybe because I was surprised with the incident, so I asked him, “why didn’t you wear the diapers?”, but I believe, since he was already feeling very bad about himself plus I asked him that way, made him very feel very guilty, he took my expression very seriously.

Back to the parent’s question, I believe he knows how problematic his child is at school and how other students dislike his son’s behavior. Furthermore, almost every teacher think that they need to be more firm in order to discipline him. But now I understand that what the boy really need is attention and affection. The father told me, please not to be very firm with his child because at home, really the boy don’t have all the love he needs as a five-years-old boy.

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And I have another student, a problematic student who hard to sit and listen in class. Always running around and make noise while I am teaching. When I give him a book and work to do, he never finish. In addition, he will scribble the book or even tear the page. During the parent’s teachers meet, you have no idea how nervous I was to meet his parent and how do I tell his mom that her son is still unable to read and write. It turns out that his mom knows it and came to me and tell me,” The truth is, I never have time for my child”.  Well, I was shocked that she didn’t even blame me for her son’s disability, yet blame herself for that.

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I learned that parents have different expectations for each of their children. At that moment, I blame the school system for trying to push the teachers to make sure each students are at the same pace and they must finish the book according to its target timeline.

To be honest, I highly respect parents who appreciate and respect their kid’s pace in the learning process. I respect parents who sincerely admit their flaws and don’t put the blame entirely on teachers or their kids.

• I’m not sure where am I going with this writing, I’m so sorry, but I need a sleep now… InsyaAllah will have a continuing post on this. Regardless, hope there is(are) something to ponder upon from this.