"Be who you needed when you were younger."

Frankly, this will be the stupidest post from me. Just ignore.

I just feel the need to write and post this publicly because I have the feeling, some people just need this.

First of all, I am so sorry for posting this on behalf of my own name. Below are just my thoughts and my humble opinion. There are just too many people asking me why a choose to be a kindergarten teacher, which most people know, how stressful and tiring it can be. 

"Be who you needed when you were younger.". If you ask me what I wanna a be, it will be this. That is my ambition. Not a typical one but that is it. That is the exact answer. 

I have a dream, I have a very ambitious target. Most people think I just got a degree from abroad so I need to come back and immediately work at a big company with high pay. Maybe I could but that is just not what I want to do, at least not in the near future. 

Why do I choose to work at a kindergarten, although the pay is not even worth the time and energy? 

Not many know how coward I was and I decided that I need to stop being one.  Some people know how sick I was and I need to do something about it. 

The truth is, working with the kids seems fun, but no one knows know hurtful it is to me. I did not believe that I can't even look at their innocent faces without bursting into tears.  after two days working there, I almost quit the job. Not because I was tired or I hate the job, but I realize that I can't hold my tears when I'm with them. There is something about them that breaks my heart. From that day, I understood why I was there. Not to be a teacher, but to be a student. I need to fight this sickness. I need to stop the trauma. I need to recover. I need to learn how. I want to learn how to be the best guardian for the kids.

I love kids generally but when I started to see them every day, the love is different. I just can't. All the flashbacks and the dark memories came to attack.

You may not understand what am I writing about, and that's why I said this is the stupidest post. I don't even care if you understand. I just wanna write and answer the question. 

"It is not how big the house it, it is how happy the home is." Some of you might understand why I quoted this. I am not saying my life is a disaster, but it was a challenging one, at least for a loser like me, too weak for a small issue. Yes, you should remind me that no one in this world has a perfect life. 

Yes, tough childhood. Many ignore this because people think this is nothing. But I must say, IT IS KILLING THE HUMANITY. People could become insane just because of this.

I do not want to put the blame on anyone. the past is the past. Let by gone be by gone. But the past answers why I make my decision today, working where I am working today and feeling scared to build my own family. Yes, I am such a coward.  

I am afraid of my future kids to go through what I have been through. For the time being, there are so many things I need to learn still. 

like they said;
"Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through."

For those who understand the feeling, let's get out of this. We were a loser but should no longer be. 


May God make it easy for us.