It is real, indeed

Just in case you actually reading my posts on my blog, you should be aware that I just post an entry about imagining yourself at your own funeral, earlier this month.

It turns out, my good friend Hayley, just passed away and I was at the funeral home standing in front of her death body.

This is actually my first time losing a friend who I just met a few days before her death. I have lost family members, friends, teachers but most of them passed away long after our last meet.

Just a little something about Hayley:

She was a very nice and lovely lady. I know each other since the other friend of mine, Cherylann, introduce us to each other. From there, we were close. I am interested in her stories of life which I thought very challenging. I know she needs someone with her to go through life. I remember sitting with her and while we were talking, I could see tears in her eyes, but she still deny that she was in difficulties.

I wasn’t a very good friend, I see her, only when I see her. But every time we meet, we give each other hugs. She was a hard working girl. Really, she always thinking about her job and how to get money since she wasn’t from a wealthy family. She was majoring in creative writing and she was a talented poet and writer. I still have her writing with me.

She was supposed to be graduating with me this December, but God knows best.

She kept asking about going out together with Cherylann, Mira, Lynn and Me.  But we keep postponing the plan to later and finally all five of us get together, but at her funeral.

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Her death makes things real. I always think about, what if I care too much about graduation and getting a job yet death knock the door first. This is life. We never know when is our turn to go. We just need to be prepared. Frankly, I fear death. I fear that I die in a state which I don’t what to be.

Being a Muslim, I know I must hope for a good kind of death. Death is not something we should run from, however, it also should not be something we chase after. Death is about time.  God had written when and where we shall die. The focus now is how do we make sure we won’t die with regret.

And that makes me think about some questions in life.

Have I spent enough time with people I love?

Why should I worry about things I should not?

Why is it hard for me to forgive?

What kind of life do I really want to live?

Why should I care so much about what others think of me?

Am I living the present life?

Life gives many options. There is pressure everywhere that make us do things we don’t wanna do. But that is what life is about, right. Life is a test. So, the key is to ask strength from God to make the right decision and the ability to keep standing for what is right,

It is our lives, we decide. Well, Death is real. It is not gonna get further, but it is getting closer each time. Just remember, From God we all from and to Him we shall return.

When someone you always seen walking around campus is no longer there, and you see her dead body in front of you, waiting to be buried, you then realize, it is all real. Death don’t wait.

Innalillahiwainnailaihirajoon.

Be honest, will ya?

I am a coward. Not too long ago, I was know for being someone who have the courage to be honest. Being honest is definitely not easy. Well courage it self means the ability to do something that frightens one. It is just hard to be honest.. Too much risks comes with it. People would hate you, backbite you and you will hurt someone you love. It is not at all the best feeling to in one of those positions.

However, I am the believer of the saying “Please don’t hide things from me that keep me wondering… just be honest with me even if it hurts.” -Ritu Ghatourey

I just hate the feeling of being left uninformed or cheated. Just tell me even if it hurt!The truth may hurt a little but a lie hurts forever. I know now what exactly I want in a relationship. Honesty. Even if it is a family relationship, friendship or love relationship. BEing truthful is one of my top priorities.

For that reason, I always wanted to be able to be honest. Speak the truth even your voice shakes. Like I said, although it sounded so simple, but being able to convey the truth is very hard. Most people just decide not to take the role and rather anybody else do it for them, Or ath least, let them just find out themselves.

Being a human, I must imagine being the person who not know the truth. I feels bad. So I decided to be honest no matter what. HOWEVER,,,,

Things change. I am not the person I used to be. As the time passes by, I realize there are some many things about myself that had been changed. Unfortunately, backwards. I had turned into a coward. I am afraid to say the truth. I avoid being truthful just because I hate hurting people. However, I still know that even for myself, I don’t want perfect I want honest.

Especially when you are angry, I hate backbiting. I have people do it to me so I must not do it to people. BUt to solve that, we must be honest about our feelings to the person we had unsatisfying feelings. I just feel like I deserve to know if anyone hate my ations of anything, thus I tried to tell the truth in front of the person I love, when I get upset because I having wrong judgment if I do not tell. Unfortunately,,,,

It feels so hard and feels like I just want to stop being honest because it is so difficult. Sometimes, I think love can change your opinion about life just very easily if you are not strong enough. I almost give up. No wonder they said love is blind. Moreover, they said love is when hurting him or her would hurt you more.I hate the moment when suddenly my anger turns into tears. I just too scared to hurt th person I love.

But that is the problem. I do not want to be weak. I don’t want to feel like my honesty was a wrong decision. Because If I feel that way, I will surely never able to tell the truth any more. Although love is blind, I do not want to sink in love. I love love but I must know where I am standing. I know what I want in life.

I am so tired of being who I am not. I hate being impressive because the truth is, I just want to be honest. That does not mean that I need to be very stright forward because I do care about the feelings of others. But I need to sure that I would never sacrifice honesty just to make sure everyone loves me. That is the perfect attribute for a real coward. If something is important and the other person should be well=informed, I must do my role. Let not relationship falls just for you not being honest.

That being said, remember that honesty is a noble attribute therefore, never say sorry for being honest.

Imagine yourself at your own funeral

I am in my final year at college. In other words, it is my last few months here in the United States. I will miss this place so much. I learned a lot about my own self. I lose and find myself here. When I first came here, I did not have so many things to achieve within three and a half years. I just wanted to learn. Learning has always been my life goal. I just wanted to get better and better every time.

I took a time to look back these past years to see what I have been achieving and what I have not. Indeed, life is actually a very short journey but it is very puzzling. There are so many paths to choose. Sometimes, you will feel very proud of yourself, but sometimes, it feels really disappointing when you realize there are things in life that if you could turn back time, you would definitely go back and choose another path.

Sometimes, I felt that too. But lately, I been spending my time alone and to think about what else should I do before I leave this country, but I could not help myself from thinking about what else should I achieve if I were to leave this world in few months coming. It is little scary for some people, to think about death. However, it is to me something I should think about. At my age, usually, people talk about marriage a lot. Yes, me too.. I think about marriage too. Marriage is exciting and scary at the same time. Sometimes, it is just easier not to think about it when you associate it with the responsibilities and everything. But it is definitely something to think about.

But unlike marriage, death is something sure. We all will surely experience death. Most people imagine themselves at their dream wedding but a lot fewer people think about themselves at their own funeral. Let’s just think about it for a moment, A cliche question to ask ourselves;

What if you know your life will be taken away in a few days.. What will you do differently?

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And what is stopping you from doing so now?

And then I asked my very self to imagine my own self at my own funeral. What regrets would I have?

You might burst into tears when thinking seriously about it but I will give you one good news…

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You still have a chance to make some important changes.

Trust me, when you take the time to think about it, You will see some changes you will make in life and before you know it, you are a happy and peaceful person now. Let me tell you why…

Imagining your own funeral will remind you of the kind of person you want to be and the priorities that are most important to you.

• You will not easily give up on your dreams.  You know you must do it because it is not at all an option to fall apart

• Even if you at all fall apart, you will have the best reason to put your pieces back together again because you how many painful regrets can be.

• This is your chance to fix things. If you have bad relations with your family members, make sure you don’t die in the state of disappointment, wishing you could come back to the world and spend more time with them. Bad relations with people, fix it, bad relation with God, do something about it…

• You will stop worrying too much about things that would bother you so much… those things do not worth a thing… End hatred in your heart, stop being jealous of others. They have their lives and you have yours. Make yours worth it.

• Just start focusing on what really matter. Define who you want to be and be one. Stop spending money you don’t have to buy the thing you don’t need to impress people you don’t even care! Have heard that before, yes! Think about it.

Well.. this is just how I feel about life and what make me keep moving and motivated to be better and better each day. Different people might have different ways to live life. But yeah, just give it a try.. Set an alone time with yourself without scrolling the facebook, Instagram, or snapchat. Without playing the shows on your screen. Resist the temptation and try to focus, just, this time, to think about yourself. Imagine you in your own funeral.

May God bless :)