update perkara satu dua dan tiga

Fuhh, rasanya baru sangat tulis pasal lagu linkin park tu, and now even a week, the vocalist meninggal akibat bunuh diri. Bunuh diri ni kes sedih bagi aku, aku pernah berhadapan dengan orang yang nak bunuh diri, yang amik dadah hanya sebab tu je cara untuk dia happy. Mestilah aku tahu yang bunuh diri ni sangat dikeji dalam islam dan aku pun sokong yang macam mana pun jalan hidup kita, cipta ajal sendiri bukan pilihan. Tapi sebelum kita pandang hina orang-orang yang bunuh diri ni, aku nak jugak ingat kan diri yang kita tak tahu apa yang dirorng dah lalui. Kita tak jalan dalam kasut diorang, ehh.

Pokoknya, stress yang mereka lalui mungkin sangat berat. Aku tak justify keputusan diorang, tapi kita yang muslim and even yang non-muslim, should ambil iktibar. Yes, life sucks sometimes or even most of the time. But we must keep going. And also, kita yang berada bersama-sama orang yang tertekan ni, do something to help them! Kita tak tahu how much they need us!

Now, comes to this. Aku sedar yang orang yang sangat dekat dengan aku ada masalah tekanan jiwa. Hampir putus asa dengan hidup. Macam mana aku nak deal dengan dia ni. Of course aku sangat harap dia tak lah sampai nak bunuh diri but somehow, aku risau jugak lah. Dia punya ayat. ‘Ingat sampai mati’ membuatkan aku yakin dia memang ada masalah tekanan. Aku hanya mampu doa dari jauh sebab aku masih belum tahu cara nak lembutkan hatinya agar lebih pemaaf, sebab aku pun tahu apa yang dia dah lalui. Sakit. Aku tahu. Aku pun mesti yakin yang masanya akan tiba. Dia akan pulih. Dan aku harap aku tak give up. I wish I can ask the one who made him feel that way to say a simple sorry…

Dah dah, tu satu. I know, tu lah yang merunsingkan aku satu dua tiga menjak ni. Sampai habis semua orang yang tengok muka aku ni, dok tanya apsal aku sedih, apsal aku susah hati. Sampai atuk yang rabun tu pun boleh tanya.

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On the other hand, aku happy sangat! I have a great news to share….

No, bukan aku nak kahwin.. Haha.  but it makes me even happier. Sebab tu nak share jugak, dah tak tahu nak share ngan sapa.

Mama dengan baba nak pergi buat haji! Yes, I am very happy for them. Tak tahu la nak cakap how much I want them to get the chance to go to the holy land. Huh, tears coming out..

Mungkin bagi korang, alah biasa lah tu, dah tua gi lah buat haji.. But if you know more about my family, you will know how happy I am and why am I so happy about that, macam lah aku yang pegi.

I’m very very happy. Although ada lah jugak risau dalam hati ni.. But benda baik, just pray for the best.

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Ok, tu dua, Next, I want to sumbat jugak pasal benda lain. Pasal cinta. Haha why my why mesti ada gak benda lame ni? Hari tu ada sembang-sembang dengan beberapa akak ni, saja lah nak sembang-sembang kosong. Tapi aku dapat lah jugak isinya. Sorang akak ni selamba cakap, “ patutla ko tak kawin lagi”.. Aku pun ‘apsal?’. Rupanya “tak reti bercinta ko ni”.

Haha rasa cam lawak pulak. Bercinta pun kena reti tak reti eh? But then when I think about it, betul lah tu. memang tak pandai bercinta pun aku ni. Nak kahwin tapi tak da calon. Ada orang nak kenal, tak reti nak handle situation, memang melepas la. Rasa lawak pun ada.

“Ko ni mulut je cakap nak kawin, tapi ko tau ko tak ready lagi kan?”.

Agaklah, banyak lagi benda aku nak selesaikan before settle down,

“ sebab tu ko bila orang nak kenal ko tak de la desperate cakap “boleh” terus “.Orang lain kalau kata nak kawin, tak dak calon, main rembat je. Orang nak kenal, terus on, bagi nombo phone.

Haha akak ni blunt sangat lah aku rasa. Betul lah tu. bila fikir balik, aku boleh sengih je lah.

Betul lah tu, i guess, aku memang tengah fokus benda lain dulu kot. Settle kan perkara satu dan dua tu dulu.. Yang tiga ni, kalau jodoh, tak kemana~

Yes, I miss you

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.


Yup, the song from Linkin Park, his favorite song. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I know by writing this here would not change anything. He will be the last person to read this here. Yes, sometimes I do wish things were different. As much I am trying my best to fix things, I can't lie. I need him. I wish I could tell him how much he is needed. How frequent he is in my mind. 

Also, I listened to his other favorite singer, Eminem. I believe he liked this song because he can relate the lyrics.

Eminem- Beautiful

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

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In my shoes, just to see
What it'd be like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

*go search for the lyrics. I purposely not putting it here because of the unsuitable words.

Well, I really wish you didn't give up. I really wish you were stronger. I'm doing this for us. Please you too, do something about it. InsyaAllah one day things will get much better. InsyaAllah, one day I will see your smile again. I must see your smile again. 

Yes, we can do this. I feel your pain, bro. please do this with me, I can't handle this alone. 

Sincerely,
I miss you so much. I miss us, I miss us all. May Allah bless

Not yet

"Honor the space between no longer and not yet."

haha, I can't believe I'm writing this. Even worse, I can't believe I am experiencing this, especially when there's a gap between when it happened and when I started to feel this weird feeling. ( Yes, I purposely not making it very clear.)

And again, believe it or not, I think what I wrote in the previous post actually making much more sense for me now. It was just a few days ago. Argghhhh really? Like seriously, last time I wrote the post was just for the sake of writing since the lady had given some advice that I thought I might need it in the future, but I did not expect that it would be this fast.

I do not know how to explain the feeling, it is not like I feel very frustrated or anything like that but it sure makes me feel sad. But why must it take days to feel the sadness? why didn't I had the feeling right after? ok, ok I know I am confusing now.

But regardless, I must admit, that was a turning point for me. I did not expect that just because of that incident, I quietly wanted to start a new life, I didn't expect it to be the game changer. however, just as the quote I include in the beginning, I must honor the space between no longer and not yet. I can't believe I am in that particular space. honestly, I never thought I would be affected like this by that!

Accept the fact that it is no longer. come on, things are different now since then. at the same time just trust God that the time is not yet.

oh, wait! since when I even had that thing? It was never official. Sadly, It was just my feeling thinking and fantasizing things while the fact is it was never mine anyway. so, it is relevant for me to claim that it is no longer, though I know it never belonged to me?

That is the unfortunate fact about life, most of the time we are sad when God took something we love from us, but the truth is we never own them. Alright you got the point. we own nothing.

Believe that Allah had everything arraged very nicely for yahh..

Okay,, let me end this post with this:

"One of the hardest decision you'll ever face in life is whether to walk away of try harder"
-Ziad K. AbdelNour

*Mood: wanna start a new life, yet still unsure of one thing.

till then, assalamualaikum! :)

Jaga diri

Satu hari ni aku ade lah duduk termenung, tak sedar pun tengah termenung tapi tiba-tiba datang seorang makcik duduk sebelah aku.

Makcik tu mula tanya aku, fikir apa tu?

‘Eh tak adalah’

‘Tak payah lah sorok, cerita aje dengan makcik’

Aku senyum aje

‘Tak kahwin lagi?’

Eh terkejut aku. Kenapa tiba-tiba tanya macam tu.

‘Makcik tahu zaman sekarang ni ramai kahwin awal. Makcik tak pasti umur awak berapa tapi nampak gaya dah boleh cari pasangan hidup. Makcik tak ada anak lelaki tapi makcik nak pesan sikit boleh.’

‘Apa dia makcik?’

‘Jaga diri’

‘Eh?’

‘Jaga maruah diri. Makcik tengok sekarang ni susah nak jumpa remaja yang baik-baik. Yang pandai banyak, cuma yang pandai jaga diri susah dah nak jumpa. Bijak, kerja besar, pandai melawa tu memang dah banyak. Makcik tengok orang sekarang terkejar-kejar semua tu tapi lupa nak jaga diri, jaga budi pekerti.’

‘Hmm. tu lah’

‘Makcik memang tak kenal awak. Dan makcik cuma ikhlas nak pesan. Sebab tengok gaya, mustahil belum ada orang minat. Tapi gaya menung perasan makcik awak ni nampak ada masalah besar. Maaf lah makcik ni memang banyak mulut sikit.’

‘Eh, takpe’

‘Jaga diri ye nak. Cinta tu mahal. Jangan murah kan diri. Makcik pun ada anak. Sibuk nak ada boyfriend. Tau-tau je dia menangis-nangis, makan minum ape tak nak. Rupanya putus cinta. Makcik nak aje mintak dia pelihara diri dia hanya untuk orang yang betul-betul nak jaga dia nanti. Tapi biasalah, anak sendiri bukan nak dengar kata. Dulu dia tak macam tu, tak terkejar-kejar pun nak ada boyfriend. Tapi dia kata dia tak laku. Tak ada yang nak masuk meminang, kawan-kawan ramai dah kahwin. Jadi dia kenalah stop jual mahal sangat. Jadi, biasalah kalau awak tu jual murah, susah nak dapat orang yang betul-betul nak hargai. Kita tak tahu orang beli sebab murah atau dia memang dah berkenan. Tu yang banyak kali putus cinta tu. makcik risau. Bagi makciklah, baik dia tak payah bercinta daripada nak putus-putus cinta ni.’

‘Anak makcik umur berapa?’

‘Umur berapa tu tak penting!’

*alamak salah soalan pulak, kan dah kena marah

‘Jangan tengok umur berapa. Awak jaga diri elok-elok, insyaAllah tuhan bagi yang elok. Tua ke muda ke, biarlah’

‘Awak nak kahwin?’

‘Eh, siapa yang tak nak’

*malu pulak aku jawab soalan makcik tu

‘Sekarang ni memang orang suka banding-bandingkan? Makcik tanya awak. Tak payah lah cerita pasal orang lain’

*aisehh kena marah lagi

‘Ada niat, cuma calon belum ada’

‘Belum ada atau awak jual mahal?’

‘Tak pastilah, makcik.’

‘Orang takut nak dekat apa? Jaga elok-elok diri awak. Jaga elok-elok cinta awak yang mahal tu. biarlah orang kata jual mahal. InsyaAllah satu hari awak akan jumpa orang yang tahu nak hargai awak.’

*eh apsal rasa cam sedih pulak ayat makcik ni

‘Rumahtangga tu tak mudah tau, ingat makcik cakap ni. Jaga diri awak elok-elok dan jangan buruk sangka pada Allah’

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 ok.. terima kasih makcik. insyaAllah saya' jaga diri'. and you too, take care yah, dear readers!