He and she

She was born when I was 8. She remembers nothing until she was 2 or 3. At the time, I was 10 or 11. When she was 4, she starts to know me as a sister. We were so close. She was too cute for me. I love her. But I need to leave. I happened to receive an offer to a boarding school. I started to learn a new life. As a high school student and as a person. I leave home to learn about life. I was happy with the offer. So happy that I am so glad that I get to leave home. It was just too much going on at home for a rebellious girl like me. I enjoyed my life with my friends without my family, far from home. I feel like I really changed a lot, in a good way. I know things that I might never knew if I stayed at home.

Five years flies, she was by then 9. Finally i get to spend my days with her, I thought. I finished high school. Just after two months with her, I got an offer to get into college. Unlike most people of my age who get to stay at home about 6 to 9 month before enter college, I was blessed to get out from home once again. I was so eager but I knew i will miss her. As a sister, i really want to know her and want her to be aware that someone has her back.

A year and a half later, it is time for me to go further. I flew to the United States. It wasn’t solely my choice. As usual, I enjoy my time learning and experiencing new stuff. I am having fun, but deep inside, I knew I lost something. Two years later, I went back home for visit, 3 months at home but only get to spend about 2 weeks with my sister. She has grown up. As I was busy with my own life, she grew prettier. She was just different. She grew into a different person. She is now tall. I feel like I wasn't even her sister. We were too far away. It takes time to learn about her again. But time kept moving. Two weeks was like 2 seconds. It just went by and she need to get back to her boarding school again. When I flew back to the United States, she wasn’t even with me.

I feel like I’ve lost her. She is supposed to have a sister to be by her side when days weren’t bright, and smile to her when she achieved something. But I wasn’t there. When I was at her age, I remember wishing having someone to lend me shoulder, and to lift me up. Life is so hard when we need to go through things alone. At the time, I was promising to my own self. I promise to be the best friend and the best companion to my sister when she needs to go through what i’ve been through.

But now she is where I was, and I am at somewhere else. Perhaps that’s because I didn’t say insyaAllah. I just feel very disappointed with my own self. Most people around me look at me as if I had achieved something big. They were all proud of me but here myself looking at where I am standing and think about where I should have been. I motivate my friends but not my sister. I helped my community but not my family. I make people smile and laugh but not her? Sorry.

Thank God she still look up at me and admire me a little bit too much. But still, I wish am doing what a great sister should be doing. I hope I still have time for that, because when I look back in my life, the physical distance between me and my sister had been further and further. Now I am 21 and she is 13. I hope and pray so I could graduate as early to get back to her and play my role as a good sister. She needs me, just like I need someone when I was at her age. I love her so much but things just get more and more harder. I hope I still have time. InsyaAllah. But I have no power to control. Who knows if after this, I will need to leave, again, even further? Who knows if I need to return to God and leave this temporary and short life? I am no one to question. If that gets real, I want her to know that I love her and I pray that Allah will protect her, because indeed He offers the best protection.

I trust you, Allah. You are the Best Planner. Thank you Allah, Thank you for keeping our bond still alive although you could break our relationship anytime you wish. Thank you Allah.