Strong and learning

I want you to know, that when I cry, it is not because I am sad and I want to run away. I cry because when I am quiet, I was talking to myself and with your presence, I sometimes don’t know how to speak. Things are in my head but I can’t let them out.

I understand that you care about me that’s why you keep worrying about me and wonder I am ok.

I can’t say I am Ok because I know I am not. But I can’t tell you what’s going on because there are so many things I am trying to deal with.

Yes I am strong but every now and then I also need someone to take my hands and say everything will be okay.I must admit that I am too shy to tell you that I truly appreciate your presence. Honestly, whenever you come to me and spend your time to ask about my feelings, I thank God. I thank God because there is still someone who cares about me and my feeling. That’s one of the reasons why I cry.

I apologize if you feel like I don’t trust you and trying to distance myself from you. I love to be around you but I think I need my time and space to think about things. I want to tell you that you don’t have to worry when I am sitting alone. I am in a process to accept myself.

Yes, I am depressed. But please trust me that I am still a Muslim and I know my boundaries, or, at least, I am reminding my own self about the boundaries. There are ridiculous thoughts but I am trying my best to stay away from them.

When you ask me what did I do during the time I am alone with myself, I honestly can’t answer. I am trying to find myself back. I have told you about this before but you asked how. I can’t give you an exact answer for that.

But one thing I know, I am learning the real meaning of sincerity and gratefulness. It is a process. I am trying to change myself towards the good. I feel weak all this time but I know I should not. That is why I am trying to stand strong again. But that is not an easy thing.

A strong person isn’t the one who doesn’t cry. A strong person is the one who sheds tears for a moment , picks up her sword and fights again. That’s why I cry a lot, not to show my weakness but to express myself to my own self. I hate crying in front of others but when you are there, you see and I can’t do anything about it.

Most of the time, I cry out of gratefulness. Whenever something good happened to me, I smile to myself and I started to feel emotional about it. I don’t know how to explain this feeling when you ask, so I write.

If you realize, I have tear-off my 2016 goals. I am trying to set myself free from things I always wanted. Yes, it is not and the wall anymore. But don’t get me wrong. It is not there anymore, not because I feel hopeless, but I think it is time for me to give the car-key to God and let him drive me to anywhere best for me. I understand I just don’t know what’s best for my own self.

As much as I really want to have things of my dreams, I decide to stop hoping. It is about time for me to focus on what really matter. About how to survive in this world and how to die in a proper state. As much as I truly desire a happy life,  I don’t even know if I would live a long life. So, instead of searching for the love of my life, I would rather spend time with the one I know is waiting for me, God.

Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it. Life is very tricky and there is no such thing as good and bad experience. There are just the one which is accepted or rejected. I must accept things the way they are. I must be wise in deciding how I react. And that takes time and knowledge.

Albert Einstein once said: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep moving you need to keep moving.

Life must go on. It is tempting to stop existing, but that is not even an option for a rational human being, especially for Muslims. I have God. I have Allah. He is planning the best for me. If I stop here. I won’t get to see the surprise He has planned especially for myself.

Everything will be okay at the end. If its is not okay, it is not the end. In God I trust!