Allah knows what is inside my heart. I am not the best person on earth. Sometimes, i do fall to the state that i hate myself so much. I get upset with my very own self. I am no more a strong girl.
But once i closed my eyes, think again of what i have been doing with my life. Yes, i did do something stupid, at the same time, i believe i did some of good things, insyaAllah.
I am a strong girl. I really am. Or atleast, i need to. Everyone have their own problems, some have more, some have less, some get hard ones, some get lighter ones. It is not fair to judge people just based on what we see.
Let's just face it, i am not in their shoes. I am looking at my life from my own perspective, just one angle. The point here is, i should not focus on my life very much. Yes, i do have problems, but others have theirs too. Why should i give up when they all can still carry it?
I once got to the point where i lose hope in my own life. I feel very lonely that i really don't have someone to talk with, i mean, a human infront of me to listen to my stories. I miss my friends who are there by me when i need them.
But now, i believe Allah wants me to be independent and stronger. I just never understand why Allah send me people who can not spend their time listening to my problems. Not that they are not listening to me, but they just not seem interested in listening to what's playing in my mind.
Hmmmpph, i suddenly remember that this feeling is not a new thing to me, i remember that once suffer this while i was younger. I need to pretend like everything is ok infront of everyone. I cannot be truthful to myself. I dare myself not to shed tears infront of anyone. As if tears is a sign of weakness.
I Cry by myself but need to act like all is well infront of others. Even infront someone i am 'comfortable' with. At first, i thought it was necessary, but soon i realize, but why do i need to?
Why is this world full of hypocrisy? I mean, when i feel like crying, why can't i just cry, like i can laugh whenever i feel like laughing.
I don't know since when did tears is a sign of weakness? Tears do not fall only when we are sad. I discover tears can fall even when we are touched, or thinking. Is it just me or what? I really am a person with emotion. No, i don't cry to get attention. Just like most people get very easy to laugh, i get very easy to drop my tears.
But my question here is, why do i only allowed to cry silently in my room, while people can laugh very loudly in public. Yes, i get very easy to cry, even in public. Sometimes just by observing people I don't know, tears roll down from my eyes. I just love to think.
But people will think i am not happy with my life, i take things very seriously, emotional...
I just.. Please, this is who i am. Yes, i cry a lot. Not because i am weak, but because i prefer crying over laughing. I prefer reality over comedy. That is what life is from my view,
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