Depressed

Here we go again for quite some time I did not update my page. But here we go. So far, I’ve not been working officially for 6 months but I am unemployed for a month. Job hopping had been my game for quite some time. But i didn't regret. I am sincere wanting to find a job. And InsyaAllah another 3 day I will be up to a new job. This time, I feel like I want to try my best al though my dad says one of his friends is trying to find me a good job. Allah knows best. Although it is tempting to just sit around doing nothing for money, yet it frustrating knowing the situation in my family.

About that, I had made a decision to see the doctor. I mean to find out the mental health condition. I know it sounds ridiculous to go to the clinic just because you are sad. But I know I must to it for the sake of my future self. I know everyone will tell me to manage stress well and take it easy, but if only they knew my real feelings.  If only they understand how depressing to be overly sensitive. Crying for no valid reason. I don't need them to tell me that I am crazy. I can feel it myself. Feeling as insane crying all over alone without knowing how to explain to others why exactly I cry. I don't know how to control my feelings. Now I may be perfectly fine. But once something happens, I can be overly reacted. Overthinking, over crying and feeling hopeless will be haunting me all night. People ask me to relax. I ask myself to take it easy, but easier said than done.

My parents are always fighting. And when people ask why, i have no answer. My siblings know how the feeling of being their children. Although it may seem like it’s nothing serious but deep inside, it really hurts. Especially when you know it is ongoing from you were little until now you are about to get married. You know what, it’s just a matter of respect and care. Yes communication is another part of it. Well, I know when people see us like this, they might think it’s all normal. However, just imagine you experience all these since you were a kid.

Me too. I thought I was being overly dramatic for my overreaction. But when the time comes. It just natural for me to feel so hopeless and keep blaming myself for all the things that happen. I feel useless as a daughter since i made them mad although i know for a fact that I wasn't the reason. I feel i will never be good enough. I tried my best yet i keep on failing. I don't know why.

Yes, i feel like i want to just change my self. Just be like my other siblings. They really don't care. I know they both were also affected emotionally, but they know how to put themselves first. Before taking all the blame, the know how to justify themselves. Explain in mind that they weren't the reason why our parents are like this. It’s just them. If our parents are always angry, why must me take all the blame? If our parents are upset, it is not wholly our fault. If they can't take care of their own feelings, why must we take part in taking care of them?

Respect is given to ones who know how to respect themselves and others. If they don't even know what respect is, why should we give it to them?

Again and again, this is the reason why I am too afraid of getting married. I fear I will be like them. I fear I cant take care of my own feelings taht will affect my kids. I really dont want them to experience what I had been experiencing all this while.

I REALLY DON'T WANT THEM TO FEEL ORPHAN BEFORE IT’S TIME.

L.O.V.E

C.A.R.E.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

C.O.M.M.U.N.I.C.A.T.I.O.N

T.O.L.E.R.A.N.C.E

R.E.S.P.O.N.S.I.B.I.L.I.T.Y

F.A.I.T.H

Do not miss even just one of them.

I know, nowadays we really think money is everything, yet money can’t buy happiness.

Yes, I was diagnosed depressed. May sound nothing to some. But i know some of us share the same feeling. I’ve met a psychiatry and got my medicine. May Allah ease everything else for me. I just need to be normal for myself, my marriage and my future family.