Yes i can! I know i can! Because xxx
Living apart from family is not easy! Seriously, not at all. I need strength! I want to hug someone , i want to tell them what i feel. I want to ask if i am doing things right! I want them to tell that i can do it! Dont worry. I want someone to tell me that they do believe in me. I can handle everything. Tell me that i dont have to worry that much! Tell me that they will be with me no matter what. Tell me that if i need something, i have you! Anything.
Arghhhhhhh do i really can do this? Vice president of Muslim Student Association. I need to gather muslims in the campus? I need to organize events for Islam, i need to handle meetings, I need to talk in front of people about Islam, the president is a sophomore as well. It is a she. Can we do this? Handle Msa according to the rules in the Quran but in a very effective way? To tell people that Islam really is the real way of life. How do i do that? you might not understand what i am talking about if you dont know how many people are attending the meeting, if you don't know that those who are having the positions are all girls and sophomore. you don't know how small our organization is!
I was the treasurer. I know i don't really contribute a lot but i always want to. But i was the only girl having the position. It is not that i dont want to take part in their meetings but i dont know my limit! How long can i be with those guys when i am the only girl? They thought i was shy but not that! I want to tell you that i don't know how far i can go! I am a girl. We are opposite gender and i dont know my limit!
We are discussing about islam, about MSA but we look into each other's eyes. When writing a proposal, it is not that i don't want to work together but please understand. I need to take care of my self as a woman! I rather write it by my own. I know by me acting this way, it harder the communication between us to organize MSA. I don't know if i should be professional by just ignore those feelings bothering me when we meet each other. I feel guilty but i don't know if i should be open or not! Where do I get the answer from?
I regret that i dont really learn much from you guys while working together. I don't know who to meet to book a room for meeting, how to order food for events, who to see to ask for table. I don't know which website to go to to get the quotes. I was the treasurer yet dont even know how to check our account. How to use it? I dont even know when we are allowed to use the money and what should we spend for to use the funds.
Yes. No joke. I was the treasurer! I treasure secrets. I am ashamed of myself. Indeed, i did do my work when they assign me to do something. But is it really that i need wait for them to assign me? Come on, be productive. I should know what to do. I mean seriously. Keeping quiet make them reluctant to approach me to give some load! I know but i don't know if i am allowed to go to them to ask for work. I am disappointed with my own self. They always tell me not to be shy but to me, it is not about Shy. It is about the limit in guy girl relationship that I need to make sure I don't get over. Huh.
Now, they are all leaving. I need to take care of all the load for next semester without them. Happy now? Now i need to work with newbies to handle the organization.yes. I will miss them. See, that is what opposite gender relationship did to me. I miss them. It hurts, stupid! I don't love them as boyfriend or something but now i realize that i started to feel comfortable with them because they are guys and i feel secure being with them, although i dont comfortable talking to them. Astaghfirullah. Trust me, that is why Allah ask us to avoid boy girl relationship as much as possible. Because it does hurt! Even just friends! You might not understand what i am saying but trust me, eventually, if you dont behave, you will cry as hard i was!
Know what, i feel helpless that i feel like getting married as soon as possible! I could not bare this any longer. I know and i believe you don't believe with what you just read. Me too. But that is the reality. I don't lie and i don't want to care about what you think but please understand, this is what happen if you don't rely to Allah. I find protection from people. I feel safe when guys do things for me. They don't do a lot but at least i don't have to meet the authority to book the hall. That is the reason. I am happy when they are around. That makes me think of getting a husband as early possible so he can help he doing things. Not to burden him, i will do my part but just again, i want someone to be with me handling those technical things that i don't know how to deal with!
Then i realize, you know what, back to my first paragraph, i said, i need strength! Actually Allah has the power to give me that and he did. .I want to hug someone, i want to tell them what i feel.I actually have Allah to cry on.
I want to ask if i am doing right! I can refer the quran, hadith and scholars and i can even ask Him directly!
I want them to tell that i can do it! How many verses are there in the quran telling Allah wont burden some one more than their cabability. Dont worry.
I want someone to tell me that they do believe in me. Allah gives me life and He sent me here, i dont think if i actually have anything to say about trust He has in me to put me in this tough situation! I can handle everything, If Allah wills.
Tell me that i dont have to worry that much! My, read the quran! Tell me that you will be with me no matter what. Indeed Allah is near! Tell me that if i need something, i have you! Tawakkaltu ala allah!
*shed tears*
Allahu Akbar! Hasbunallah wanikmalwakeel!
Allah the greatest. He is sufficient for me and only onto He, is where i seek help and refuge!!
No comments:
Post a Comment