I swear, i used to think running a position means someone is somewhat perhaps greed of power, or thinks he or she is better then someone else, or perhaps someone is in want of spotlights and attention.
Untill i run a position in Muslim Student Association because no one else is running and we are lacking of people to even join the club to make sure it can still exist. I was the treasurer, of course, because no one else is running for it. It was hard for me to hold responsibility especially as a first year student and need to work with guys in senior year. I was really nervous. But really, time to time, Allah and people around me helped me go through it. I know i had done a great job. After a year, again, i run for the vice president for the same club. And again, i was elected because no one else is running for the club. This time, i am more terrified. My mentors and those who i've work with now need to go. I need to work with a different person.
Some one i had never worked with. I had one year experience being in MSA, but the one i worked with has none. But i know she is capable in doing it because she is an extrovert and has the charisma. I was nervous but excited at the same time. I was so excited to run MSA with all the ideas i wanted to bring in. Time to time, i see they are happening. But unfortunately, i am not happy. In fact i felt very frustrated. I wonder if my intention is right, at that point.
I started to run away from everyone because i thought i had done a sin. My intention must be wrong that i could feel that way. I felt heart broken, seriously and honestly. I feel used. It takes so long for me to tell my self it is ok. Because to me, it is just so wrong! I really am really unhappy about it. And i decide not to accept the action. It really hurt when you had done so much, work with some one else, but another people gets the name for oneself. I am not to claim that was mine, but i just believe, it was our, everyone contributing's work. Everyone shall get some credit for that. Even if not individually, the club should get its name, not just one person. But well, you know the world is unfair if it is without the hereafter.
Not only i don't get recognition for what i had done( no, i dont need award, but atleast a sincere humble thank you will flower my heart), but also get what we always try to avoid. Bad name. I really can't tell you how frustrating it feels when some one really back bite and slander you. I know now, why it is considered some of the worst sins in Islam. No one should do it! It really destroyed my spirit. Ifelt stupid and idiot, or shall I say, moron. I learned my lesson. I really do.
Then after one more year, it. Time to elect a new organizing committee. I really lose hope in my self. Nope, i am not running for any position. Some of them really put their trust in me. They made me feel guilty if i don't try to keep going. After a long time thinking about it, i decided to run. Was not really looking forward to it, but I know, i am stupid if one person successfully make me give up. I trued to look back why i started anyway? I know i have a greater mission than just that.
At the same time, i agreed to be nominated for another big organization on campus. Sorry, i lied when i say i don't want to run for it. Sorry, i lied when i said i was not hoping to get the position. I lied, when i said i hate you for nominating me. At the time, i was at my lowest self esteem. I really want to challenge my self to stay strong despite what had happened. It was just very hard for me. I lose hope in my self already. But really want to try. I was hoping to see if i still have a value in the eyes of other. I don't want to ask because words can lie.
Indeed, standing infront of everyone that day really made me nervous. I was shaking. I almost burst to tears when i did that. I was more thean just like in the public speaking class. I was standing presenting myself and dignity when i doubt i can do it. To be able to just stand and speak though my voice is shaking really meant a lot to me. Even if i lose at that day, i am satisfied and i am proud of my self. I was grateful that Allah gave me strength to get through it.
Then that day, waiting for the result of the election, i was hoping i could win because that shows some people still trust me when i did not trust my own self anymore. At the same time, i really know that i will not win. I know am not that kind of person to be a leader. I am quiet and shy. I an not outgoing and do not have charisma. I know i will never able to gain their trust.
But when i heard the speaker says she, and quiet person, i was shaking. I really do. I could not stop praising Allah for that. My heart was so overwhelmed by how much love Allah put in everyone's heart to love me. I could not believe it that people would choose me the quiet girl to be in the position. It was amazing to think of. I feel bad for my self. As much as i feel bad to Tom, i feel worse about my own self. I underestimated my self. I underestimated the ability that Allah had gave me.
Now i know i need to do something about it. I am not the best person on earth. I might not the best person or the readiest person to hold the poosition, but i know Allah put me there for reasons. Allah really know my dream to unite everyone as one. I want, but i always afraid to make it happen. I need to be ready to hold the responsibility and play the role to unite people. How noble is that task? InsyaAllah, with Allah's and everyone's help, i know i can do it.
Readiness now is not an issue. Remember when prophet Muhammad were given responsibility to call people toward the one God, he wasn't ready either. He got the responsibility to bring people together despite background. Color, race and gender should not determine the classes of the people. Everyone is same. We all one humankind. Our prophet was not ready for that and he know he was lacking, but time to time, he was able to do it. He learned throughout his life. He lead by example.
I want to be one too. I need to realize that this is a blessing and a responsibility at the same time. It will not always be rainbows and roses, but i know i will get the reward for every effort i make. Extrovert or introvert, that is no more an issue. I remember my management professor said that i can be an introvert to be a leader as well. Gandhi was an introvert. He don't want to be under the spotlight but he had no choice. Our prophet had no choice. It just came to happen, the world need them.
And i will too. Thank you everyone who had no doubt in me when i see nothing in myself is valuable. I thank Allah for having you in my life. I hope i can go through this. My hope is not so people will know me, but to make that change, though people not know what i did. It is enough for me than Allah knows, i know, amd people who really paying attention, knows.
It does not matter anymore. The best is not the one to get the award. It is the one who will grated tne reward in the hereafter. I pray Allah for that. InsyaAllah. Work hard in silence, let the success makes the noise.
Amiin.
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