This ramadhan is special. I had long list of things that i want to accomplish within this blessed month, but i am not gonna lie, i fail to do them all. Yes, perhaps i have one more week to keep on trying, and i will, insyaAllah, but i am sure i am not gonna make it.
Though sounds very dissapointing, i am actually have another feeling that comes with it. I am amazed. I am actually happy. I know that is a bit shocking, i really do. To compare this ramadhan with my ramadhan last year, which i consider the best ramadhan ever, it is so much different. Last year i celebrate ramadhan in the United States. Fasting about 16-17 hours, only got to sleep around 2-3 hours at night, that was challenging but very productive. I will always remember that feeling. Spending those blessed days with people i just know, but really treated me like their own family, cannot stop me from smiling and feeling grateful. Iftar with dishes i never really used with, those vegan dishes, middle eastern and african dishes for sure had taught me something valuable. Spending most of my time at the masjid and with the quran, for sure made my heart sparkle.
This year, though it is not totally different, it is definitely different. The challenge is different. The surrounding and the people are different. If i can give a name for this ramadhan for me this year, i would call it 'the practical month'. If before this what i read from the quran and what i learned from the lectures give me only the idea and knowledge, this time i get to apply them in my real life. I even need to get back to the quran and search for the guidance. I need to search again what do i need to do when i am in this situation, what do i need to do when i face with these people. What do i need to say when... How do i feel in my heart.
If before this my aim is to recite as much quran and read it from cover to cover as many times as i could, ramadhan for this year is amazingly different. It was hard and tough. I know sometimes i whine, sometimes i thought I cant take it any more. But indeed, if He put us into this, he definitely will bring us through this. Days to days is not getting easier. wonderfully, i could feel how much stronger i became. Alhamdulillah. All praise is due to Allah.
Like most others, i hate being tested. I'm afraid i could not take it. But from days to days. I look at it differently. I have no idea how, but i know i have changed a lot. I mean, the way i think. The way i face a thing. To be completely honest, i don't even expect that i would write something like this. I don't even think of looking at all of this, this way, very positively. MasyaAllah, this feeling i could not describe, i feel really happy, i mean really in peace. This time, i could cry out of happiness and love. I thought this will be my worst ramadhan ever, but shockingly, perhaps this one is better than last year's. How so? I could not describe exactly how it feels.
Let me try, it is pretty much like this:
It is just like you just went through your hardest exam, you always fear that you are going to fail, but when you are taking the exam, suddenly it came to mind and you just remember that it is an open book test. You are allowed to go and search for the answer. Like most of the open book test, the question won't be so direct, most of the time, it will be a problem solving. Then again, someone reminded you that you can do it slowly. You can take as much time as you want. Keep calm and solve the problems really carefully. Analyze the theories in the book in front of you. Of course, knowing that, you are so happy to try and understand what you read. You know those time when you already learn and heard something so many times until you get bored of hearing it again, yet you don't really understand it and you always take those theories and facts for granted because you thought you are not gonna need it.
At this particular time, you now understand why the book as stating those. And those sentences that you skipped when you did your revision was actually are the ones that useful to get your problems done. You are so happy that you now understand those. Though you haven't solve the problems, the fact that you can now make sense of you have been learning for years really make you smile. Yes, you are very happy and feeling satisfied. But the thing is, there are still exam questions that you couldn't answer. Oh yeah, you are actually allowed to discuss with anyone. Now you need to decide, who is the person that you need to search for? You want to find the right person to discuss with. You want to find someone who knows and understand the subject, perhaps someone close to the teacher in order to answer these questions.yes, you found one or two of your friend to reminded you about some facts. True, you might not know if your answer is completely correct, but at least this is the best you could do.
Now, you are about to submit. That feeling when you had done your best to answer those questions, you had tried all you could to do your best. But seems you know those problems were hard and tough, you sometimes have some doubts with your solutions. But when it is time to submit, you hand in. Amazingly, you are not that worry about the result. You had done your best. And the most important thing is, you now understand so many things that you thought you already did. Now you remember those things by heart. No matter the result would be, you learned something. You know you can only control what you can. What you can't just leave it for the teacher to decide. Your only hope is that the teacher will accept your solutions. You have faith in God. You trust Him to do His job which we all know, He is the best at it.
Then you realize that not so many people around you actually taking the exam. Because the teacher said, if you are not ready, you are not allowed to take the test. This test is special, only for those who can do it, only for selected people. This test is for people to get the glad tidings, to get into a higher level.
So that is how i feel. I feel very happy and glad. Alhamdulillah. This ramadhan, i learn a lot about patience, steadfastness, sabr, tawakkal. Indeed Allah is with the one who have patience. I don't know if i have it. But i know i had done my best. What ever the result will be, i hope for the best. That, i can't control but i can keep on hoping, dreaming and asking for.
To everyone who thinks life isn't easy, perhaps you are right, that's why you need to open the guide book again, the quran, learn from someone who knows how to deal with the problems, sit with people whom you know will remind you of Allah and of course ask Allah for help. This note especially for me. I am not the best person on earth to give the advice, but since this is my blog, perhaps this is my way to remind my self again and again.
"Those we are getting wiser everyday, keep on telling your self that there are more that you still don't know. Be humble."
Astaghfirullah. Barakallah.
WallahuAlam
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