I want to be me. Not them

Sometimes, i feel glad that Allah took everyone away from me. It is not that i dont love them while I actually love them so much. Sometimes in live, we need friends to remember nd us of Allah. But sometimes, at least to me, it is always better to be alone than spending so much time talking nonsence. 

I don't blame them. It is up to them to do what they want. But to express how i feel, i really feel very dissapointed. I am dissapointed that i don't play my role as a good friend. I wanted to remind them that life is more than just about books and movies. No, i am not trying to play smart here. I just worried that if i or they die now, what is the last thing we were talking about.

I am trying to change for good. But obviously no one says changes are easy. It just need patience! Patience is someting that i need to develop. To be frank, very sadly, i would say, my life 5 months earlier is way better than my life today. I could not deny that. I wanted to stand up again, i mean, i want to be more serious about life. Because i really fear death. 

I know by fact that death could come anytime. But the sad reality is, i am not getting any better. Worse, i am getting worse! Astaghfirullah.

I wanted someone to make the climb with me. Unfortunately, that someone who before this understand me, no longer care about this. She just act like she is enjoying doing what she had left before! People said, returning to jahiliyah. I am not judging but that is just what i feel. I now have no external support. 

But you know what, i am very glad that i atleast notice this. At least i am aware of why things happen and why Allah put me alone now. For the time being, I don't need someone to tell me what to do.

I know Allah had that list already. They are now going further from me. Yup, of course i am upset. But that something I couldn't control. Why think so much about them.

What i should think now is, about my ownself first. I do care about them, but i care about my ownself first. I am not letting them inluencing me to be my bad old me. That is not wherei want to go.

I wantto go to Jannah. Allahumma Amiin. I love my friemds too. May Allah guide us all. I just had enough wasting my time on stupid stuff that i dont want to care and focus on what is more important.

Sorry for not joining your conversation.